Within the past five years, my life has changed quite drastically. I’ve gotten married, gave birth to two beautiful babies, bought a house, started a career and put a career on hold to raise those babies. On paper it sounds like all the “right” steps to happiness and fulfillment. Well let me tell you…that is crap. Not to say that I am not proud or happy to be where I am in my life right now because I am. I know what it means to be grateful and I am. But the truth is, somewhere along the way, I got lost.
I can tell you for sure what made me happy at 10, 18 and 25 but now I am really just not sure. I could give the typical and truthful answers like my kids, new shoes, a good hair day but outside of objects and other people…I’m clueless. I’m 32 years old and don’t fool myself in to thinking that I should have it all figured out yet but dammit making simple choices for myself shouldn’t be so hard! I drive myself crazy really. My lack of confidence exhausts me.
I admit that I have no idea how I have made it this far. I seem to have a lot of people fooled in regards to my own ability to function because I’ve heard myself described as “strong” and “independent” . I feel as though I CAN be those two things but as a whole I’m not. I’m kind of mess lately. I crave to be alone but find it to be the most difficult place to be at the same time. I think I surround myself with insightful music so I can steal the thought provoking lyrics of others and use them as my own. I constantly feel the need for validation of my own thoughts and actions and then get pissed off because I asked for it and didn’t get the answer or response I wanted. So why ask, right?…I don’t know.
Don’t get me wrong, I am able to recognize that I’ve worked hard to get where I am in life. The shit storm that was my childhood and the losses I’ve endured haven’t made it easy; however, I have no idea how I’ve made it this far. I say that laughing because it truly baffles me. I can and have professionally managed other’s lives so that they are more successful at literally living but can’t even make simple decisions when it comes to my own wants, needs and desires.
As an official 30 something, I have plenty of labels I can describe myself with i.e. Mother, wife, sister, friend….but no words that I feel comfortable using to introduce my true self. I don’t think I am alone here; hence, the blog I am now sharing. I think a lot of moms, wives, women can relate to feeling lost and frustrated. I’ve been to therapy. I’ve taken anti-depressants. I’ve read self help and discovery books. I’ve had spa days. I’ve tried fake it till you make it. I’ve tried being the working mother. I’ve tried being the stay at home mom. I’ve tried so many things to put myself in a better place mentally and even though I’ve learned from each venture, none have calmed my nerves.
The one thing that I do know is that I always feel better when I’m putting thoughts on paper. It’s like a validation of myself when I see it in print. I don’t know why but I have a nagging in my head to constantly record my thoughts. I’m a list girl. They are everywhere in my house. That also extends to journaling. I’ve kept some form of a journal since I was about 7 years old. So recently when I asked myself (for the gazillionth time) “what is it that I enjoy doing”…I finally realized I had been doing it all along. I just never realized it.
It’s incredibly frustrating that what I have been doing since I was a very young girl has eluded me as a way to move forward with my own thoughts, past the bullshit baggage I seem to always carry with me and through the current anxiety about life I’m having.
So…here I am. Maybe yelling from the world wide roof top will make me vulnerable enough to let go and enjoy the ride. I have so much to say and quite honestly can’t wait to really get started. Hopefully along the way I strike a nerve for a few others. So my plan is this…be brutally honest. About everything…past, present and future. And hopefully, this purging of self reflections and thoughts about the goings on in my crazy head and crazy life will help soothe my soul and connect to others that are at a similar place in their own lives.