It seems like the ideas that I am most resistant to, or fight the hardest against, become the most significant moments and events in my life. “I will never” … “That’s not me” … “I will always”, are a few of the absolutes that I am trying to say less, or at least pay more attention to, when I do say them. I’ve seen something happening with these type statements. It’s my absolutes that always come back around, have me eating my own words and re-thinking everything.
Once parenthood really set in for me, I became one of those Moms that openly admitted I could never be a SAHM. I can remember commenting that I would gladly donate a third of my pay to daycare. Don’t judge…I know it sounds awful, but it’s the truth and pertains to how absolute I was about the idea.
Then I had my son. Something very difficult very odd started happening. As my three month maternity leave began to come to an end, I started to realize how much I did not want to go back to work. I knew I struggled with this after having my daughter, so I tried to shake it off and focus on the upcoming transition.
The idea of staying home became like a constant theme in my head. I started to see how the days of the last three months could become my every day. More of my absolutes – “I will always have my own money”, “I will never depend on another person to take care of me” – started to matter less and less. I started to feel somewhat at ease with the idea, but still there was this overwhelming doubt because “that’s not me”.
I handed in my resignation the day I returned to work. A month later, I entered a world I never imagined would become my world.
I had no real explanation for this change of heart or new direction I was headed in. I was, and still am, as surprised as those around me. However, I felt a pull strong enough not to ignore. I think for one of the first times in my life I threw out my “map”, trusted my gut and just let life happen. I had a difficult time recognizing and admitting that something needed to give in my life. My focus needed to change. My heart led me to focus on my children. Little did I know, it would be my children, who put the focus on me.
How many women do you know that said, “I will never drive a minivan”, and are now cruising around in a total Mom-mobile? Have you ever had an “absolute” feeling about something, and then life throws it back in your face…for better or worse?
W.T.F. 
Love your blog! It’s honesty is inspiring. Just know – I can relate to a lot of your posts. After baby #3, the mini van did become a reality. 😉 Although part of me hates to admit it, (the 20-something who liked her new (now old and paid off) black SUV that Mr. L drives even if rusted making clanking noises because how do we justify another car payment?) it is nice to have the space. Just sucks to clean it. Can’t wait to read more….
Thanks so much for reading my posts and giving feedback. It’s been so nerve wrecking for me to put myself out there like this and in part because as I am learning, there is little feedback in the beginning. It can cause some serious doubt. And I can definitely relate to your current car situation…hubby drives my (used to be sexy) paid off mazda that is hurting pretty bad these days. BUT …just can’t spend the money right now. Talk about rolling on faith (=
That was me! And now i love the room, the convenience, and yes i love driving it lol. change is good- accepting the new you is tougher 🙂
YES! Accepting is so difficult. Your last post was a little push I needed to star thinking about yoga again…for the 100th time. My beliefs and ailments all seem to line up with yoga. Now to just get started.
The first step is the hardest 🙂 when it’s time, you will do it!
I think you’re very lucky to have the opportunity to stay home with your children.
I feel that way too. It’s a struggle financially but the money will flow again…my kids will only be these little sponges once. I’m very fortunate to be home with them. It just never crossed my mind that THIS would be my life.
Yeah, I never thought I’d get divorced twice, either. Life never goes quite the way we intend it to.
I’ve actually grown quite fond of that fact. I know it depends on the situation though. I’m not as happy about all of life’s curve balls, that’s for sure.
hehhehe…I said balls. (couldn’t help myself).
That got me to crack a bit of a smile. Thanks.
Oh good! Your welcome. I seriously need to grow up but I can’t help it. Balls make me giggle.
Don’t ever grow up.
TD…you’re so profound.
I know. I’m full of it today.
Reblogged this on W.T.F. and commented:
Says a woman in her 30’s…
I am giggling as I read this, remembering the day I suggested to my husband (and the father of our brand-new baby girl) that if we were going to sell his Harley to get me a car, we should by a used station wagon (I was being practical). I remember him screeching, “I am NOT trading my Harley for a used station wagon! We will at least buy a new car!” And the irony is that if he had agreed with my idea of being a SAHM, we wouldn’t have needed a second car…he could have kept his HD and I could have used our one car to run errands in the evening. But he was certain we would starve if I didn’t keep on working.
Some days I feel like we may starve but it does always seem to work out. Sorry it took me so long to respond…life happens. Hope you are enjoying what’s left of summer Fawn 🙂
Well, my Dear Dawn, I suppose it is like saying ‘Never say Never!’ Many of those things Must have been there in my life, but also must be lost in the Fog of Time. So if We let it go at that, I had to Google to understand SAHM. Hm.
In India, they were that, and now getting to Working/Leaving-the-children-to-their-fate stage. Hope things come around. It is not fun for the Children.
Also interesting to see that the Western men are also like our Great Indian men, who believe that they would all starve unless the Woman works. 😦
Like what You are doing and writing. Kudos. Keep at it. Love and Regards.