Just Trying To Evolve

I keep having to change the word “people” to the word “I”,
while editing my posts. It’s a habit I have that I was
completely unaware of until now. My first thoughts are
to write something like “people often
wonder”, instead of what I really
want to be writing — “I often wonder”.

It’s a scary thing to put yourself front in line. To display your
thoughts with your own voice, not just shake your head in agreement
when others say what you are thinking. If I hide
behind the plurals ie. “people”, “they”, “we”, I can divert the attention off of me. That way I
don’t have to apologize for anything later or backtrack
my primitive and most honest thoughts if I upset
someone.

It’s very strange to me that even while using a
platform based on expressing my own thoughts,
people I find a way to stay hidden. If I
write “we” or “people” instead of “I”, it creates this room
full of other people who join me in my writing process.
I don’t have to or get to take responsibility. At the same time, I don’t get to own it.

That kind of reward always come with risk.

How awful that even in my free writing, self
doubt creeps in and is able to darken my light, one letter at a
time. Dimming one’s own light is a terrible disease.

Can you think of a time when you wanted to answer a
question or make a valid point, but you kept quiet for fear of being
judged? I need to own my own thoughts with a little more pride. I need to not
feel embarrassed when someone compliments me or scared of a simple disagreement.
Women I need to use the
compliments as fuel instead.

That confidence is there
when I’m with my daughter belting out Alicia Key’s “Girl On Fire”
in the kitchen. Where does it go when I sit down at the
computer or walk in to a discussion?

I don’t find it coincidental
that Ani Difranco’s song “Evolve” has found it’s way to the top of
several of my recent play lists recently. Evolving, by definition, is an ongoing work in progress — As I am.

evolve

Click image to hear full song.

“I walk in
stride with people Much taller than me And partly it’s the boots
but Mostly it’s my chi And I’m becoming transfixed With nature and
my part in it Which I believe just signifies I’m finally waking
up” ~Ani D.

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2 thoughts on “Just Trying To Evolve

  1. Great post! I used to do this when I first started writing som 7-8 years ago. It was very hard for me to claim ownership of any of my thoughts, feelings, or ideas. I honestly dont know why I did this so often, as I actually like to express my inner most thoughts quite openly. I noticed that when I started taking ownership in my writing– people related to me and they were in turn inspired to express themselves through comments or writing.

    Thanks for a good read!
    -A
    http://www.worksbyanastasia.wordpress.com

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