Generic cereal wins.

It’s a funny thing to choose to struggle for a greater cause.  Especially when the cause is only partially understood.

I have decided to continue on in SAHM-ville for now.  A lot of soul searching and thinking about the big picture going on in my head lately.  When I first learned about the possibilty of getting my old job back, I was excited and quite relieved even at the possibility of bringing in a second income.  It helped to know that I would be walking back in to something that was familiar.  But familiar started to become less desirable the more I thought about it.  I think it’s because I’ve learned more about myself in the past year than ever before and at the same time I have been the least comfortable.

Being “the constant” to two little people was never on my map remember.  I am way more comfortable assisting others (and by others I mean other adults) at navigating their own lives, which is essentially what my previous career consisted of doing.  But I’m starting to see the reasons why I was pulled in to this new career.  It’s almost like someone saying, “see you CAN do this” and I am meant to do it.  Somewhere in the mix of all of my pros and cons lists I realized there was no wrong way to make this decision…just my way.

As crazy as it may seem to some, I sometimes worry that I’m causing more harm than good by being home with my kids all day every day.  My faults mixed with mood swings can make one feel that way on a bad day (or any day really).  But it’s when my baby boy smiles with his eyes and perfect little lips when he sees me, regardless of the fact that I only walked out of the room for five minutes or when my daughter looks at me and says “You’re the best Mommy ever” when just an hour before I was yelling at her, probably louder and longer than necessary, that I see how my presence alone is all they really want. They don’t care that I’m not perfect, just that I am here.  And that’s when I remember how much I wish my Mom could have been my constant.

At times I laugh to myself and feel like I’m cracking up when I think about the small, intricate details I’m choosing: long, cold winter days with two high energy kids in doors,  the continuation of sick to my stomach Thursdays a.k.a. pay day and the ongoing lack of brain stimulation.  But believe me, I am laughing (and twitching) with joy.