Momma has lost her mind.

Nat Geo Boobs: A “Perk” of Being Momma.

Underwire. Push up bras. They not only hold the girls up but have become my last line of defense in the war against saggy booby syndrome. I have nursed two kids. Throw in entering my 30’s and I am definitely losing the war.

Darling D's.
Delicious D’s

I loved my boobs. A perfect B. Added a little junk in my trunk after getting married and guess what? I loved them even more. I had the perfect C. Then, I got pregnant. My lovely C’s turned in to vuluptous D’s. It was a miracle. The girl that couldn’t tell her back from her chest as a blossoming teenager has managed to pull off two fun-filled, fabulous D’s.

Looking at my boobs now, I see a whole new meaning to the expression “sucking the life out of you”. I pumped primarily for my first child for six months. Nursing went a little smoother with my son, who latched his perfect little lips around my now affectionately dubbed “Nat Geo nips”, every chance he got, for nine exhausting months. These deflated balloons no longer bring the boys to yard is all I’m saying.

These new larger than life nipples have decided they prefer originality, ultimately refusing to be like the other. My nips are as indecisive as I am. One choosing to invert just to make that very clear. Neither prefer to rest politely in the middle of my breasts anymore. They seem to migrate these days, one north and one south.

There are no more sexy, slow-mo bouncing boobies that I once had and loved. The girls are more swaying than bouncing these days. And don’t even get me started on lying down. Looks like I got two medium sized tumors creeping in to my arm pits. My cleavage is now a tunnel of darkness between two rained on ant hills.

boobs ant hills
Are these ants mocking me?
I had no idea that my perfect D’s would morph in to shriveled up itty bitty A titties. No one told me that there would come a day when I would have to roll these bitches up to put them away. Someone failed to mention And that trips to the bathroom would now and forever involve a reach down to put the girls back in their place.
A lot of attention is put on the Freddy Kruger marks left on our bellies after cooking our babies. Our once perky and full of life breasts seem to be the invisible heros of developing and nourishing our spawns. I’ve had this conversation with other moms before and it always requires a slightly twisted sense of humor. Those with out kids will laugh, but it’s usually one of those nervous “come on guys, it’s not really that bad, is it?” kind of laughs.
I put out a request for women to share how they really feel about their post-baby boobs on my Facebook page. I can’t say I’m surprised at my followers sense of humor.

 “I have always called them my 2 sunny side up boobs.”blog pic2

 “I think of clown shoes. A little long, but still fat on the end.”

blog pics1

 “Long orangutan boobs! Or water balloons, slightly filled.”

blog pics

Many other women described their boobs as “saggy”, “long”, “less perky”. “Stretched out, heavy, floppy sandbags”, said a Mom of three, who is expecting her forth soon (as well as her boobs to touch her belly button afterwards). One that I could totally relate to was “flat as pancakes”. We’re talking late night, half-assed Denny’s pancakes, at best.

 Oh, I miss the girls. I miss the days when I was more concerned with the color of my bra, and not whether the Nat Geo nips would steal the spotlight. I wish someone would have shown me a picture of post nursing boobs, before I decided to let the monsters latch on. It wouldn’t have persuaded me to feed them any other way. Perhaps though, I would have given the girls the front line more often, before they melted, developed protruding, wondering eye balls where my delicate nipples used to be and made me ask myself…Is muffin-boob a thing?

44 thoughts on “Nat Geo Boobs: A “Perk” of Being Momma.”

    1. Hey thanks for reading. This was a fun one to put together and it’s something I talk about all the time with my Mom friends. Sorry to hear your in the club but glad you can laugh about it! (=

      1. Thank you for saying that. This particular post hasn’t had that much traffic and if I’m being honest I was a little bummed about it. I thought it was pretty funny. I have a great group of girlfriends and this is just how we are. I don’t know if it’s that no one want to read about boobs or no one talks about it the way we do! Our girls really are the unsung heroes!!!

      2. I have some friends coming over in a few days. I’m going to tell them and see if they are comfortable discussing nat-geo boobs! I told my husband and he laughed. I have very little traffic, but it’s still early days I suppose.

      3. I’ve been doing this since early October and am definitely still building a following. It can be discouraging at times but I’m trying to just focus on the writing more and the stats less. Time is always an issue being a SAHM of two small kids. PLEASE let me know how the convo with your girlfriend’s go!! Maybe you’ll even get a post out of it (=

      4. Lol! I would feel like I was hijacking your idea, but i’ll def let you know how it goes.
        I am stuck for time. I’ve joined a writers’ group and we have homework also writing magazine articles, the ol’ blog comes last i’m afraid. I don’t know if mine will take off, but it is good fun..

      5. Hey thanks a lot! And I think your friend’s reactions to conversing about what I refer to as Nat Geo boobs wouldn’t be a rip off of my idea at all. Thanks again for re-blogging.

      1. Awww thanks for sharing that with me. It made my morning! All hail the mighty pill!!! Well if babies don’t destroy our girls, aging sure will…damn gravity.

  1. I loved your boob discussion! My youngest child just turned 29, her big brother is 40, and I nursed them both. One of the best feelings each evening is taking off my bra and letting my boobs relax…When I was young I had every intention of having mine “lifted” after I was through having babies. One day I realized that there would be no point in still having boobs up under my chin when everything else on my body was sagging! – Fawn

    1. Oh thank you for appreciating the story and sharing yours. I too have dreamed of lifting the girls with surgery …and then I wake up. They make me laugh so I guess I’ll keep them around … Kind of like my husband.

  2. This is beyond hilarious! I’m so glad that you gave me your URL because I’m digging your blog. My boobs are bigger right now. I think it’s because I’m eating like somebody would who is much larger and more active than I am. A good excuse to not diet though maybe!

    1. Aww I’m so glad you can laugh at this. It’s one of my favorites because it reflects my personality and my lovely lady humps. Eat on Momma! We deserve every crumb 🙂

  3. Found you at Nicki Daniels’ site (how much does she rock?) and had to come check you out, too. After four kids (that beer commercial “and twins…” comes to mind) the ladies are not where they were. But I do remember being tragically informed that this might be the case after seeing my sister breast-feeding. Zooiks! The great thing is, I think my husband hasn’t noticed? Or is too “supportive” to comment. Either way, we gotta love the skin we are in, am I right? I spent my 20’s hating my peachy soft skin and lovely boobs. Sigh. Lesson learned! Screw collagen (the wrinkled mid-section is next, by the way, and you can’t diet that away. Just ask Courtney Love. Ack!) The time is now, sister. I’m wearing a bikini while I can. You should, too!
    So glad I found you!

    1. Lucky lady. Had someone told me the extra weight induced D’s would suddenly become BFF’s with gravity after I breastfed…well…lets just say hind sight is a bitch. No regrets but man I miss the perky girls!

    1. Ha! You know those ungrateful little bastard won’t!! lol…Until my daughter decides to breast feed her on…then she will see first hand (one of) the sacrifices her Momma made. Thanks for reading and glad, kinda, that you can relate 🙂

  4. Oh my god! I shouldn’t have read this post after a heavy lunch. Now my tummy hurts from laughing so much 😀 And, Nat Geo Boobs ! That one had me laughing the loudest! Lovely post.

    Popping over from Moonshine.

    1. So glad you popped over! I love it when I can make people’s stomach hurt from laughing. It’s better than a pay check to me so thanks for sharing that (:

    1. True…I’ve thought about that, not gonna lie. But…I am a total wuss and could never deal with the pain. I’ll just accept the girls swaying too and fro from now on.

    1. Ha! Don’t be…just make sure you keep a sense of humor. Otherwise, you’ll go insane and/or the kids will eat you alive. And start saving now so you can afford the expensive bras to make the girls look like they used to 🙂

  5. Pregnancy did nothing for my boobs. They stayed exactly the same size. I felt like I was robbed. Barring plastic surgery, I will apparently never have a bodacious wrack. ::: Sigh :::

    1. Good for you Momma! Way to stick with it. I lost the ability to with my son at 9mths. I was becoming his binky and losing my mind. It’s a hard thing to give up in my opinion.

  6. you had me going with the pic already! this is how i felt last weekend, after having emergency gallbladder surgery. i was told to get up and walk around, to get things moving… but all i could think about was me looking like the nat-geo photo. thanks for the laugh… and by the way, i wanted to change your wording from “…Our girlsreally are the unsung heroes!!!” to the “unslung heroes”

    1. Brilliant!! Oh man, I wish I would have thought of that…funny, funny stuff girl! Sorry I made you laugh though, I know it probably caused a tad more pain to you gut…just hope it lifted your spirit.

      I hope this doesn’t sound egotistical but, I love this post. It involved a lot of conversation among women that had us all in tears laughing. And it made our hearts and droopy boobies feel fantastic.

  7. I’ve wanted to read this post since the first time I saw your blog and am just now getting around to it. SO FUNNY. I was a full C before kids. After Thing 1, I was a DD. I don’t even want to tell you what I am now. Let’s just say my boobs enter a room a full 20 seconds before the rest of me. pffft.

    1. Ha. My son uses mine as handles to climb up me.. Apparently they are low enough and jelly enough to just grab on to. Lol…although I’ve put a little weight back on and they’re a bit firmer these days. Odd.

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