Life seems to have my kind of sense of humor. Dry with a hint of irony. The witty or simple things will make me laugh harder than a grandiose joke. Well life’s a bitch today and I’m hoping hindsight will offer humor.
I now have a constant pain in my ass both figuratively (I have a husband, two kids and two dogs – take your pick) and physically. I, at the ripe age of 32, have arthritis in my right hip. It feels like a punching pain right where my leg meets my butt everytime I move. Taken out of context, my compensating movements must seem rather odd and somewhat comical at times. Today, for some reason, this pain started kicking my ass as soon as my eyes opened. Pun intended.
All I wanted was a cup of coffee this morning…that’s all. Aparently pumping it in intravenously is frowned upon so ok, just give me a big cup. Here’s the thing, the big, nice mugs I like to inhale my coffee from were all in the dishwasher. No big deal becaue I ran it last night before going to bed. Go me. Why then is every single mug I’m pulling out dirty? Ok maybe I didn’t run it last night, maybe that was one of those “don’t forget to do xyz” moments and my brain convinced my body I already did it. That happens all the time so whatever I just thought, I’ll run it now. Well guess what. My dishwasher shit the bed. Yep – here it sits fully loaded and full of water that will not wash, rinse or drain. She’s gone. All I can think about is how bad washing all those damn dishes is going to suck with hands that are already dry and cracked up. Kind of like me since entering my 30’s and becoming a Mom.
So, I settle on a mediocre not-my-first-pick-but-at least-it’s-clean coffee cup and decide to wash the dishes later this afternoon. Now I have to get my little guy who is sick for the second time this month with a nasty case of boogeritis down for his morning nap. Ha! He would have no part of it. He laughed and cried and played and hollered “Mooooooommmmaaaaaaaaa” until I gave in and got his oh so gratified little butt up. The rest of the day should go fabulous. I have plans to visit with a friend later that I am really looking forward to seeing so of course he would pick today, when he is already sleep deprived and somewhat sick, not to nap.
Well he turned out to be surpriseingly pleasant for that moment so I attempted to jump on the computer for a minute. Oh wait, that would involve having a computer that takes less than half an hour to turn on or perhaps doesn’t mysteriously type letters on its own that I’m positive are trying to tell me some sort of doom is pending. The mouse pad on this laptop is psychotically sensitive. If my hand even hovers over it, it moves my cursor from where it was to the middle of the wrong paragraph. It’s seriously enough to make me want to start drinking
before at noon. I wouldn’t say this is “ha ha” funny but isn’t it funny that of all times in my life, now would be the time I own a possessed, ticking time bomb of a laptop. If I don’t laugh I’ll cry I swear.
Ok well the little guy was still occupying his time with some “new” toys my husband so awesomely reminded me we stored in the basement from our first child so I decide to call someone I can cry about my first world problems to that will “get it” and not think I’m a miserable, ungrateful woman. As fate would have it, I get maybe a paragraphs worth of bitching out of my mouth and little guy goes off. This was a level of drama that couldn’t be talked over. Wouldn’t you know the minute I hit the button to end my unfinished conversation, that adorable little shit smiled and the tears just instantly stopped. And the Oscar goes to….
So now I have 20 minutes before I have to leave to get my daughter from school. I decide I better put a belt on or my jeans may fall of my stressed induced skinny ass. As I’m sliding the leather in to the last loop, the buckle falls off. It just freakin’ fell off. I can’t figure out how that happened and I’m running too low on time to figure out a back up plan because this is the only belt I own. I just decided to risk mooning the other Mom’s at pre K pick up and jetted downstairs.
It’s “make you run like a fool” cold outside so I load the woodstove up because we’ll be gone for a few hours. Remember I had plans today to converse with a like-minded adult over warm coffee. No boogers, lack of sleep (mine or the boy’s) or wardrobe malfunction is going to stop me. The opportunity to do this doesn’t happen often so please excuse the selfishness.
I scoot to the kitchen and put down the dog’s water bowl right before we’re about to leave. Doing so at any other time would be disasterous with a 1 yr old around. All of a sudden, I hear a disgustingly, strange splash in the living room. I walk in to find dog vomit all over the damn place. Now understand that I live in a very old house with uneven floors so naturally…everything runs downhill. I watch as the indescribably fluid pile of up-chuck chases across my floor. Awesome. Oh but wait, what is that splashing I hear in the kitchen now. Of course it’s the little guy playing in the dog’s water bowl. And he is happier than a Mom at naptime because he is ALL WET.
At this point, I have 5 minutes to clean the mess up, pack a bag of “what ifs” and get out the door. I change him and try to keep him out of the puke long enough to clean it up. I sacrificed a couple of diapers because they were in arms reach and there was no freakin’ way I was giving little guy even the second it would take to grab more paper towels to find his way in to the puke. Oh my God no.
I pulled it off. I threw the now full garbage bag with my dog’s “present” and God knows what else on the enclosed back porch and we’re outta there. Surprisingly, I got to visit with my girlfriend, with little interuptions and no real catastrophes, despite a missed nap. Maybe even for too long because mid day nap time snuck up on me and little guy was sure to melt if I didn’t get out of there with the quickness.
I get home. I put little man and my sassy four year old down for their nap and brew a cup of coffee in a smaller than I would like mug. I lean back against the counter, take a sip of hot coffee and start prioritizing my chores.
Suddenly I catch the scent of something very unpleasant. I look towards the backporch and know immediately today may be the day I lose it for good. Not only did I not close the garbage bag but I left the door ajar as I sped out of here earlier. This is what I found…
The dog that was once the light of my life is now and forever will be the thorn in my ass. Oh wait. No. That’s just arthritis.
My ONLY saving grace in all of this humorously crazy day is my awesome cousin. The one I had to practically hang up on earlier. She previously helped me celebrate my new found passion of blogging with shipping me a gift of wine and chocolate. Yesterday it arrived. Tonight is will be enjoyed.
P.S. The day is only three quarters of the way over…if too many days pass without a new post or face book status update, I can probably be found in a padded room with coffee, wine and meds being ingested intravenously.