Let’s Just Not Talk About It.

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Charolette Philby

I’ve spoke about being a one in three statistic before.  Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse isn’t something that you file away somewhere and dispose of the negative affects.  In time, I’ve learned how to manage the unwanted flash photos and broken record moments that plague my mind but it still, and probably always will, influence how I think about things.  I can’t help but feel I’m being disingenuous if I didn’t admit the origin of some of my thoughts that occur because of that experience.

I’m sitting here, trying to write about a topic that I sort-of, kind-of know what I want to say about and an ASPCA commercial, high on drama and Sarah McLaughlin, comes on the tv.  I rolled my eyes.  Not because I don’t feel for stray, hungry, abused little pups but because it’s odd to me to see a campaign so heavily supported regarding our pets but nothing of that level or even close is done about the one in threes that are right in front of us.  The younger me’s that are disregarded.

Could you imagine, and why aren’t there, commercials that show children who are hit, neglected, raped?  Ugh … it’s hard to even type those words let alone consider the need to watch something like that.  In comparison though, it just seems odd that we can stomach one televised version of neglect and abuse but not another.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’m too close to the issue or just because I’m simply human.

A study conducted in 1986 found that 63% of women who had suffered sexual abuse by a family member also reported a rape or attempted rape after the age of 14. Recent studies in 2000, 2002, and 2005 have all concluded similar results.  This is reflective of a breech of trust.  A misrepresentation of value.  How is a child, a being that is in the midst of learning the value of trust and love, suppose to value any part of her mind or body when a person that is recognizably a part in teaching her those values, violates and negates the ethics being “taught”.  Like respect.  If a girl or boy is taught to disrespect his or her body by it being disrespected against, they will certainly fall victim to those that are inflicted with the need to perpetrate them.  It’s a toxic cycle that I can’t understand how has fallen so far off the radar.

The affects of the epidemic that is sexual abuse are basically ignored.  People shake their heads and say things like, “Pedophiles should be hung by their balls” and “How could anyone do that to a child” but the truth of the matter is the people that violate children get a minimal punishment and very little, if any, psychotherapy to address why this perpetration happened in the first place No one wakes up one day and decides to be the kind of person to violate a child.  That kind of dysfunction is bred from somewhere.  I’m not making excuses for an abuser or placing direction of blame by any means.  I’m just saying that the identifiable parts we have come to know as a convicted sex offender are ignored almost as much as the invisible scars that they leave behind.  And that is part of the problem. 

I previously worked in a community that is plagued with sexual offenders, most of which are level 3s.  When you look this particular city up on the convicted sex offender registry, it is hard to differentiate how many actually exist in one single area because there are so many red dots.  I’m not exaggerating…click here.  But lets not talk about that because it makes our skin crawl.

Why don’t we see the sort of magnitude of awareness around the issue of childhood sexual abuse that we see regarding neglective/abusive pet ownership?  Is it a cultural lack of value for the well being of children?  Is it a higher empathetic nature for animals over children?  I can’t believe that. It feels ridiculous even suggesting it.  Is it because it is just simply too hard to recognize that perpetrators are both the skeevy alcoholic, dirtbag you see within your own circle of friends and/or acquaintances and the “upstanding” members of our communities that go to church on Sunday and hold higher education degrees?  I really don’t know.

We will sit through and absorb commercials that list things like “loose stool” and “oily gas” or “nipple leakage” as a side effect to something that is suppose to make us feel better but we wouldn’t be able to sit through a 30 second block of time that gives us the warning signs of a child that is being sexually abused.  They are far less disgusting.  A list would probably read like this:

  • withdrawn
  • low self esteem
  • possibly engages in self harm
  • prone to depressive symptoms such as crying spells, abnormal mood swings, thoughts or attempts of suicide
  • overly complacent
  • experiences violent outbursts

That’s not a list I pulled off of Wikipedia (I resisted the urge), just my own educated guesses.

We are bombarded with visually stimulating charity requests for children with cancer and rightfully so.  I’m not disregarding the epic need to find a cure for a life depriving disease such as cancer.  I’m just wondering why the epic failure to recognize the lasting affects of sexual abuse with such compassion and vigor.  PTSD is a cancer on the mind if you ask me.  I don’t know why that is so hard to understand.  I just don’t get why there is such a lack of response and outrage to something that could be prevented if we would just admit it exists.

If anyone needs big pockets and/or grass root efforts to help fill a need, it is the local mental health clinics and those that work in the communities to support mental health services.  The additional social workers these places need to address the “side effects” of abuse is astounding.  It is an epidemic in this country that is evaded mostly due to the population that is predominately conflicted.  This population contributes less financially to the economy and votes less.

We are visual people and I understand marketing enough to know the visual effect trumps all.  It’s pretty hard to profit off of damage you can’t see.  That’s the thing with sexual abuse.  There are usually no visual effects.  No heart wrenching physical scars.  No observable damage.  The damage lives and wrecks havoc inside of you.  And the small amount of people that devote their lives to verbally bandaging those wounds are not supported enough.

I have worked with wounded adults.  By the time I, as a mental health Intensive Case Manager, entered their lives’, the damage had been done and it was my job to assist them in adapting to it.  There are far too few people to accommodate the need to prevent the children from getting to the point that I helped manage as adults.  It’s senseless really.  The enemy and the environment that breeds them could become so easily recognizable.  But the opportunity to expose it just isn’t.  Because it makes people uncomfortable.  How disgusting is that?

I didn’t tell my story for nothing.  It is a part of my being. It needs to be acknowledged to understand other perspectives I share.  I will from time to time talk about this topic.  It’s not easy and it’s next to impossible to put a humorous twist on.  But for me, putting it out there initially has shed the shame in talking about it openly.  I feel like if I have a thought that derives solely because of that major and unfortunate experience in my life, than I need to speak up.

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11 thoughts on “Let’s Just Not Talk About It.

      • You are welcome. That’s true. So conflicted. I want a special place in Hell for people who do that. At the same time I would like to know that, when they are born, no one wishes that they will be an abuser, of any kind, when they grow up.

      • Maybe it is the Piscean in me but I believe people are born good. Plus I’ve seen the family trees of an abuser. It is more times than not reflective of that of the victim.

  1. Amazing post. You are the perfect candidate to raise awareness of this issue, as unfortunately you have an understanding of all the issues here. I’m so sorry for how you have suffered and hope that the rest of your life is free and joyous.

    The statistics are staggering. Frankly, this is something that scares the life out of me, especially since my twins were born. I’m overly protective and rarely leave them with anyone except my husband, mother and mother-in-law. Ireland has had major problems as the Catholic Church has attempted so many cover-ups and never took full responsibility for its actions. I’ve more or less boycotted the Catholic Church here. My kids haven’t been to mass, besides a wedding and a funeral. They will attend a catholic school as all the schools for miles around are catholic.

    • It’s in all of our backyards. But the Catholic Church is I think the hardest harborer of abuse to swallow in my opinion. I can’t imagine how much that must play in to your life in Ireland. Trusting people with our kids, especially once they start to want to visit with friends at their houses, is frightening to put it very lightly. I’m having to learn how to balance that one right now. And thank you so much for the kind words. It really means something to me.

      • It is very frustrating. It took me a king time to decide to have my kids christened. If I hadn’t then they wouldn’t be accepted at the local school, or be married in a church to another catholic.. I thought about sending them to a non-denominational school, but there simply aren’t any within 20 miles. The local school is amazing though, as long as they don’t push religion down our throats. The local priest has been round trying to get us to go to mass. I think he’s given up now . I do like pope Francis. But it’s too late. The damage is done.

  2. great topic. people don’t want to hear about sexual abuse because they would realize how close to home it really is. most females in the adult entertainment industry are victims of childhood sex abuse. seriously, what girl wants to grow up to be a stripper or porn star? only sexually abused ones who equate sex with acceptance and see it as empowering. WTF!? i have permanent psychological scars from my early abuse that no amount of therapy will ever change. i just learned to roll with it and accept i am different and see things as they are and not through ignorant, blissful rose colored glasses.

  3. Pingback: The Forgiveness Culture Doesn’t Work For Me. | W.T.F.

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