I was hit last night. I didn’t know where it came from or the cause but it was a blow that shook me. I’m still shaking.
I can’t understand why depression seems to creep in and take such an oppressive hold, at times that seem so incongruously wrong. It feels like years worth of building myself up has crumbled down today and it has left me desperate. Desperate for an air I can breathe back in to my usual full of life mind and body. I’m running on discouraged fumes today.
I am reaching for a layer of strength so that I can mother my children through this somber day. My arsenal for hiding my broken pieces is running frustratingly low. The art of distraction, for both them and myself, is vital today. I need room to decipher how to react to them when I feel like this. It’s difficult to recognize. It’s hazy at best.
Just as the energy to find humor has completely left me today, so has my relationship to any familiar emotion. I am indifferent to all of it. Love is there. I can feel it. I just can’t access it.
This is my truth. I have these days. I have variations of these days. I have no way of knowing when this particular occurrence will lift or at least ease. My body usually recognizes the break before my mind does. I’ll be in motion again. I’ll move forward and up word in thought. My brain will react less critically.
Time is the only prescription that works. Time and the will and ability to connect my flesh to the moment.
23 thoughts on “A Distorted Mind.”
I hope you feel better soon! It is all temporary, even though it doesn’t seem so at this moment in time. Hang in there!
Thank you. Fortunately, I do know its temporary. The hard part for me is finding the balance between being the Mom that my kids need and allowing myself to authentically feel the way that I am feeling. Ignoring the latter allows the depression to get the best of me. I had to learn the hard way
I wish there was a fast forward button on days like that
Me too. The numbness can be terrifying and exhausting. Especially when your kids are at your feet. I’m glad someone else can understand.
Hugs. That’s really all I can do, besides read and listen. I’m so sorry.
Hugs accepted with gratitude. It’s all anyone can do. And honestly it’s all I need sometimes. I’m hoping today will be better.
You will always, always be the most wonderful mom your kids can imagine. My mom suffered (suffers) from depression. All of my mom depression-related memories are from much much later, it never affected me in childhood. I will try to email you tonight.
I can’t thank you enough for that. Really, thank you.
when you said ‘hit’ why did my mind go immediately to car accident? don’t know. since we are ‘soulmates’ i know what you mean (though i think i’m cured, still in denial but the bliss is intoxicating; note to self: stay on meds:) depression feels like you’re in the eye of a tornado. you see everything swirling around you violently, threatening to harm you but you are stuck in the eye, trapped in the cold, empty silence, with no means of escape. you must wait til the tornado runs out of wind… (but the ghetto in me says take some extra xanax chased by red, red wine. always does the trick for me, just being honest:) vegas…
The tornado analogy is perfect. And my ghetto gene hollers to self medicate as well!!! It’s hard not to. You’re killing me with the Vegas suggestion! I wish I could!!!!
stop wishing dammit and say this to me, “bitch if you want my ass there so bad, then pay for my ticket!” there is absolutely nothing you can say to me to offend me. your will, my hand. say the words Momma. say the words…
I always feel like, because I deal with this daily struggle… that Im supposed to always be equipped with the perfectly supportive statements- but alas I have none. Im just wishing that tomorrow can be a better day for you. I just say that to myself… “Tomorrow. There’s tomorrow.” Best we can do with what we got right? Thanks for sharing, I know its tough.
Thanks Anastasia. I completely understand the difficulty in finding “perfectly supportive statements”. There is a lot to be said for validation though and that is what I am getting from so many other Mothers/women from this post and others I have written on this topic.