Momma has lost her mind.

I’m A Good Parent, I Swear!

good parent

Kid’s do as they see, not what they’re told. Lets be real, young kids do exactly what their little, psychopathic brains tell them to do.

Pre-kids, I was guilty of always judging a parent by her child’s behavior. If a child talked back to his Mother in public, I was appalled at her tolerance to allow such behavior. Now, as a Mother of two, I’ve eaten my precocious words and Karma is laughing her ass off.

Let me tell you what I do not spend my day promoting, but my kids seem to believe is acceptable, and some times hilarious, behavior.

  • Greeting someone with a smile and a slap upside their head.
  • Announcing of flatulence, giggling and then blaming the random stranger next to me in the check-out aisle.
  • Sticking one’s fingers in her ears while being asked a question.
  • Requesting an object, that is within reach.
  • Repeatedly kicking the person who is trying to clean the toxic poo from his butt.
  • Flushing the toilet…20 times in a row.
  • Telling one’s Momma NO! before she can even finish her sentence.
  • Loudly referring to a person sitting at the next table over as “funny looking”, and pointing of course.
  • Throwing a fork at the waitress walking by and laughing like a crazy person.
  • Pulling down one’s pants, just for the hell of it.
  • Sharing gossip she overheard while eavesdropping at the most inopportune time, like before school, when all the parents are really close by.
  • Feeding a home cooked meal to the dog and then pitching a fit worthy of leather restraints, in order to get yogurt for dinner.

I could go on…and on and on. But won’t. If you have small kids or have survived already raising them, you get what I’m saying. If you do not have kids, prepare yourself. Your children will make you look like the world’s worst parent, every chance they get.

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Luckily, parenthood has an ironic way of stretching your sense of humor and tolerance. Picking your battles, becomes a matter of keeping your sanity.

Babysitters and friends say to me, “You have such well behaved kids.” I always thank them and truly appreciate the compliment. I suppose as long as they have everyone else fooled, we are doing something right!

Is there one thing your kid does that sends you over the edge? What’s the most embarrassing thing one of your children has ever done in public? Don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you.

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20 thoughts on “I’m A Good Parent, I Swear!”

  1. My son is in Pre-K and there is one little boy in his class that while I do sympathize for him (he is special needs), he teaches our son the worst types of behavior. My husband indirectly told him not to play with this boy, by asking him to play with other kids at recess too, not just this one boy. A few weeks later my husband and I went to the class Christmas party and with all the kids and other parents in same room together, my son asked loudly, “Dad, why don’t you like Michael?” I could have died…

    1. OMG that is freakin’ hilarious! …in hindsight, I’m sure.

      The other day my daughter had a classmate over to play and I invited her Mom for coffee. As the girls are playing near us, I hear my daughter say (loud enough for the Mom to hear), “My Mom is right, you do sound like Minnie Mouse when you talk.” …Not quite as bad as yours but I still wanted to die a little.

      1. Oh that is a good one, too! Gotta love their unfiltered honesty… even if we die a small death of embarrassment in the moment, they make great memories later.

      2. Yes, they do! And if we are lucky, we are around others with a sense of humor when they choose to turn the filter off.

  2. Refusing to brush teeth drives me crazy! Every day for four years we’ve been brushing teeth and they still play up.
    My daughter when she’s in a mood can’t be bothered with strangers.. I’ll try to get to say hello but she’ll just say no and go about her business. I’ve just orders the the book ‘you can’t make me’ by Cynthia Tobias. Hopefully this will help me. She’s great most of the time, but sometimes contrary doesn’t come close.

    1. I feel your pain. My chatty little girl will run her mouth non-stop until I ask her to say hello to someone. Then she hides behind me like I’m sending her to the wolves.

  3. I have not had children. But I made the mistake of babysitting my mum’s friend’s young baby at the age of 16. The baby was brought to my house, while they went to watch a school play that their older child was in. And while babysitting my boyfriend was round. We put the baby in the pram and walked to the local shop. Everyone thought we were the parents.

    1. I had that happen to me once before too. It’s so awkward. I was like 15 and looked all of 12 so that made it even crazier that someone thought the child was mine.

  4. I may not be well liked for my attitude, or approach here…but…here’s my story….

    As a child, I was raised with a Dictator as an authoritarian. He was God. You did what He said. Life was good. Lines were clearly formed and visible from a mile away. Cross that line, and, well, all hell would break loose.

    Today, I am the father of a six year old daughter.

    I realize I cannot be as harsh as my father was, from a legal perspective.

    However, I have extremely high expectations of her in public, with friends, and with family.

    She has never once (I swear, never once) thrown a tantrum in public.

    She has never done anything but made me proud of her and her behavior with friends, family, and the general public.

    I feel that this is entirely because I set my expectations and made them clear to her in terms she could understand.

    I remember early on, being laughed at and stared at agog, with jaws open, when I declared that raising a child is no different than raising a puppy.

    Never give an order that you do not intend to follow through on 100%.

    Give explicit and clear expectations in a language that the recipient can understand.

    Punish when the desired result is not achieved.

    The punishment should fit the crime.

    Reward heavily and heap on praise when your will is followed and the desired results are achieved.

    My daughter at six years old is simply fantastic. She never talks back. She does as she is told. She behaves in public. She’s an angel for friends or family we leave her with.

    Sometimes, some would view my reaction to infractions on her part as excessive. However, my theory is that by making my point 10000% clear now, and that I am 10000% unhappy with her, she’ll remember, and it won’t happy again.

    Is it perfect 100% of the time? No.

    But I’ll tell you one thing. My wife and I do not see her getting away with the crap most other parents deem as “well, it is only a six year old, what are you going to do?”…..

    I’m ready for the flaming to begin 🙂

    – zB

  5. I’ve got four kids, all older now, but number two, a girl, was incredible. A friend with a stomach problem, that caused him to have quite a big one, was visiting. She was around three at that time and climbed up to sit on his stomach. She then tapped it and asked, “Why are you so fat?”

    Another time my wife’s boss came for dinner. He came into the apartment, my daughter looked up at him and said, “You’re ugly!”

    We were left wondering if she still had a job after that one.

    1. Just randomly throw a fork at the waitress walking by and then start playing peek a boo with the people in the booth behind you. …let me know how that works out for you !! lol

  6. The begging for the friend to come over, inviting said friend and parent for tea, friend and parent Turning up, followed by what seems like an eternity of saying ‘I don’t want to play. Tell them to go home’. And saying it loud!

    1. Ha! I’m dealing with that right now. My daughter will definitely beg for a friend to come over and then tattle the whole time she is here.

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