Lately, it seems like all that I write, has a dark side to it. I have definitely been pulled in to the challenging world of writing fiction the past few weeks, but there is more to it than that. I promise this isn’t another post about feeling depressed. Good grief, I’m even tired of writing them. Ugh!
I have been burned out people. My brain has been idling on overload. I seriously have felt like I am stuck in quicksand. Even the smallest tasks have me on edge.
It’s not just my depression, although I know that has a role in it. It’s being Momma and wifey and a woman who is scared to death that she is doing little more than moving through motions.
Both of my kids are young and are at challenging stages. Little man is learning to assert himself with NO’S! and fits that are hard to even watch. Sassy four yr old is well…sassy. Her defiance has me at my wits end. I know it’s normal but I’m struggling with it.
Before I was even out of bed this morning, Little Man and his sister were surrounding me, fighting over a damn pillow. The result of that fight was Little Man’s head colliding with my left eye socket. Had I not taken a few (like 10) deep breaths, I may have just jumped out the (second story) window.
I feel like my frustration is eating my creativity. Well, actually, that may be a bit of a lie. I think my hesitation to write anything other than fictional stories lately is based on fear that the truth in how I am really feeling will bring on judgment. No one wants to be thought of as an ungrateful Mother but the truth is … I wish not being Momma was a temporary option. Isn’t that awful. I could punch myself for even saying that “out loud” because I have friends who have struggled with fertility issues and here I am complaining about my two healthy children.
I can’t help it. Every time I hear the whining lately, I want to crawl in a hole. It’s hard to even make light of it. Even the wine isn’t helping. Hell, most nights I’m so tired, I can’t even finish a glass.
Mother Nature isn’t helping matters. I know if I could just get outside of these four walls without having to worry about ice and snow and hats and boots, I would feel better.
Right now, I have over 30 drafts going…30! I can’t even finish a thought on “paper”! My brain is a scattered as this post.
Part of it too is trying to figure out if being a SAHM is a healthy thing for me. Some days I feel like it is and then others, not so much. It puts me in my own head a lot and that can be tricky for me. My children bring me a lot of joy but I’m lacking being challenged in ways that don’t involve four year old drama and 19 month old shenanigans.
Plus, there is the fact that I really have no idea what I want to do with my life anymore. I used to know. I used to have a clear path I was headed in. I’m thankful for falling of course, had I not, I never would have started this blog. However, where do I go from here? I love blogging but lets be real here people, it will never pay the bills. …and there are definitely bills that need to be paid, especially since we have only one income now.
So anyway, I guess I will stop with the ranting on Motherhood and the woes of my little life and try to focus more on the positives. Yes, I just rolled my eyes but cut me some slack ok, I’m trying. Perhaps I will throw on some good tunes, pick up the house a bit while the little guy is sleeping and start a list of positive things in my life to start focusing more on.
Care to share what song always helps pull you out of a funk? Are you a SAHM, if so, how do you keep sane?…no really…HOW? Do you get paid to write???? Please share how you got the ball rolling on that … thirsty (and poor) fingers need to know.
W.T.F. 
Oh I’m first comment! yipppeee. Hold please while I stake my claim before someone else comes along…..
I got a big (needed) giggle outa this!!
Love this.
okay, sorry, that was shitty. This post is about you being in a funk and I’m all, “first comment!” What an idiot. sorry.
First of all, your post is brutifully honest and I commend you for that. It’s SO hard to be a SAHM because it’s a job you don’t get a break from (until they’re in school), nor do you get to clock out at the end of the day. Do you know how many times I thought the same thing as you? I wondered how others did it without being on antidepressants. I wondered if it was right for me. I wondered if I would ever be truly happy again. And then I felt tremendously guilty for thinking those things because GAH I had kids!!! Isn’t that what most people want? And I got to stay home with them, which I asked for!
Just wait. You’re in the dense jungle of motherhood right now. It gets better, I swear. Hang in there!!! *HUGS*
Thank you so much for that!!! It’s what I needed to hear. The fact that I CHOSE this makes it even more difficult to complain…but I will dammit.
It gets better you say? alright…I guess I’ll hold off on obtaining a crack addiction…I was thinking the wine wasn’t going to hold me ! 🙂
You have to complain, and you have to vent. If you don’t….well, it’s the crack addiction. Plus, other people with chosen professions get to complain about their jobs without being judged, why not us?
Omg you are so right! Why do we feel so damn guilty about it??
oh and DEFINITEY try to MAKE some “me time” happen!! you deserve it, but most of all you NEED IT. It’s SAHM survival 101.
My “like” is an “empathy like”, just so you know.
“Flashlight” by Parliament gets me moving and out of a funk (which is funny, since it’s funkadelic….OK, why am I the only one laughing?)
As a single mom, I understand the not wanting to be mom sometimes. I almost lost my son, so how dare I say something like that, right? Because we are human and can only take so much of the same thing over and over.
((hugs)) to you. Hopefully others will give you some advice from their perspective to help you sort things out.
I have to check out that tunage !!
I think of single Moms as super-freakin’-heros. Seriously…I just don’t know that I could do this without a partner. So kudos to you Momma!!!
Thanks for the supportive words. That guilt of feeling like you just want to run away from it all can be crushing.
This was a wonderful post – I read it word for word from top to bottom and my hope is, that by telling you that you managed to create a bit of something out of nothing and that I appreciate it, you will smile. I am not a mother. I do not have what it takes. But I am a SAHS (stay at home student) and am on my own all day. Yes, it can get pretty snakey in this old noggin of mine. Your last paragraph tells me that you have strategies to deal. The calibre of writing tells me you have the brains to deal. The fact that you did not jump out of the window tells me you have the patience to deal. You’re good. You done real good by writing this.
Wow. What a way to help pick me right up! Thank you so much for that. The window was tempting…not going to lie…but it was real cold out this morning! 🙂
Hi – – just have to chime in here with another, “I made my bed, guess now I have to lie in it, huh?” mom comment. It’s so hard to admit what you just posted. Huge hugs your way. When my twins (boys) were babies (in that horrible double stroller contraption) and I also had this velcro two-year old (another boy) with this runny nose thing every second….I had to FIGHT THE URGE to leave the stroller and big sibling in front of this beautiful fountain in the middle of a mall. They were cute. Someone would take them, right? You are in the throes of it now. Those twins are now 21 (Runny Nosed Brother moved to Tokyo and I cry over his absence.) and I stillhave three more young-ins at home, but someone left the light on for me at the end of the tunnel. It burns for you, too. Stay strong.
Stephanie
Awww I loved hearing that. Maybe I can throw a cast on that broken funny bone and get that bitch working again after all! The leaving the kids at the fountain part cracked. me. up. I have had more of those thoughts lately than I care to admit…oh wait.
I know I will survive…I just can’t see how without going in to liver failure first. I’m serious. I think the garbage men are concerned about me … We are forced to use see through garbage bags for recyclables. I like wine. …all I’m going to say.
Thank you Stephanie…I seriously needed this kind of support today. Much appreciation your way.
Standing ovation from me for your honesty! I have been right where you are as a SAHM. My son is in school now, so it helps tremendously, but I would have days upon days that I questioned my decision to stay home as a constructive one, or was I messing not only myself up, but my son, too! Sometimes, I even thought him being in daycare instead of with me all day would be better for him in the long run. I wish there was a secret formula to get around it…if there is one I am unaware. One thing I did do at times though, was abandon all responsibilities of the day(Those dishes in the sink and that laundry piled on the floor could wait for another day.) and spend the entire day with him doing all that he wanted to do. It made him so happy that he was easier to deal with in those “terrific” toddler moments for a few days afterward, and it allowed me to put everything back in a healthier perspective for myself. Oh and White Stripes and Black Keys is my go to for mood elevation. 😉
Thank you so much for that. I never want to be “that” mom that seems ungrateful for her kids and the life she CHOSE as a SAHM. but…wow. I’m just feeling a little nuts lately and it affects everything. I hate it. BUT…I do plan to try to change my focus and I’m sure that will help. Any positive thinking up to this point just got a middle finger thrown at it…at least now I am breathing a bit lighter and feeling like I can at least try to put the focus back on the good. Thank you so much for reading and for your so very supportive and honest comment. You’re awesome.
Well, thank you. I think you are awesome, too! Confessions of a Scary Mommy…I forget who the author is, but laugh out loud funny. It will cheer you up on the worst of mommy days.
I was pregnant when I read that book and peed myself more than once, it had me laughing so hard. I follow her blog now.
I so go through what you’re going through with the bickering between the kids and being tired and … and .. and.. It seems to never stop sometimes. I did go the antidepressant route when my kids were small, but it took every ounce of creativity out of me, and nothing was worth that.
All I can advise you to do is remember to breathe, give yourself time-outs, even if it means locking yourself in the bathroom, and take one day at a time. It’s really hard to write when you’re stressed – I’m there with you daily on that one as well.
As for getting paid to write, I took a course that gave me a lot of insight into getting published. You might want to look into that as well. In the meantime, go to the websites of magazines and check their submission requirements. You might get lucky.
Oh, and music? Anything angry helps if I can crank it in the car and sing it at the top of my lungs. 🙂
Hang in there. I know you hear it all the time, and it doesn’t help right now, but it won’t last forever. You’ll get through.
Can i give myself time outs??? Holy shit, how have I not thought of that before!! The locked bathroom shall be my place to go and I’m 33yo so does that mean I get 33 minutes????
Ha! Could you imagine how much could happen in the 33 minutes I’d be hiding in there??
Thanks for the support Linda. It was greatly needed tonight and very much appreciated. I’m going to look into submission requirements tonight…if I survive bedtime routines.
Oh don’t worry, you’ll know what’s going on. The kids will be right on the other side of the door, banging. 😉
Good luck with bedtime. 🙂
I weirdly liked my black eye. I hit myself in the face. It’s a long story.
Oh wow.. That’s funny. I’d love to hear that story!
It will be on my blog one of these days.
One day my little clan was being particularly challenging and I just went in my room, shut the door and cried! It sounds silly now, but honestly my husband was at work and I didn’t know what else to do! Sometimes I post about wanting to spend more time with my kids and sometimes I want to run far, far away! We write about how we feel in the moment and let’s face it, we are woman and allowed to change our minds from time to time 🙂 don’t worry I bet you will get your funny bone back 😉
Oh I’ve done that too! I seriously felt like drowning myself the day the 4yo figured out how to unlock the door. It was something out of a movie … Her laughing hysterically with the little guy laughing behind her and me screaming to GO AWAY!!!!!!!
i use to give myself time outs… hubby would have to take the kids out every day. i made myself take a long bath every day, with the door locked. i also went to my public health nurse, who introduced me to a mom’s time out course, where there was free babysitting and info for mom’s on child rearing. of course, my dr. was my best friend at the time, prescribing what i needed to get through those times. being a sahm does not mean you have to do everything by yourself. it is perfectly acceptable to ask for help. you will make it through. believe me… my kids are now 24 and 21 it does not happen overnight, but it does get easier.
I’d settle for tolerable at this point.! Ha. Sorry. I just sound so rotten I suppose. They’re in bed now and the hubs is watching his shows and I have my wine and laptop…..ahhhhhh.
oh Dawn, i so feel for you! don’t take your laptop in the tub though… it wouldn’t end the day well. blessings to you!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling like you need time away from your kids. It’s a feeling I know all too well lately since mine has been on a freakin’ rampage the last few weeks and has been insufferable at times.
If I ever need music to pick me up, I normally put on some Weird Al. Seriously. Laughter is the best medicine.
That is so funny TD…. Maybe I just need a little Weird Al in my life.
Definitely. He’s hilarious.
I should crank him up and just watch some old Gallagher routines. How could I not laugh.
Ohhhhhhhhh…..that’s a good one, too.
Yeah…ya like that? Ha…I was hopin’ you knew what the hell I was talking about. Lol
I haven’t seen Gallagher in forever. I used to catch him on VH1 (of all channels) a lot back in the day.
I just remember him as a kid…smashing the hell out of watermelons and always skating around.
Yup. He smashed the hell outta everything with that big ass hammer. The first few rows of the crowd always had plastic to shield themselves. I bet you can find some clips on YouTube.
Awww. Thank god for youtube.
Indeed.
Ha, just wrote a blog post about going insane with babies and then read yours. Good to feel in company.
Just checked out your post…left before commenting so I’ll tell you here I loved it. I don’t have twins (can’t even think about that!) But the frustrations and monotony is quite recognizable. Thanks for checking out my venting post 🙂
People complain about jobs and careers they chose, how is that any different? Just because you love your children? Some people love their jobs!
Hugs to you. A friend recommended a book called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood and it has worked wonders. I yell about 95% less now. I found it at my library. It does seem cheesy but it works!
Good luck!
Hmmm…I definitely will be finding that book at my library. Thanks for that!
SAHM is a full-time job!!! And one you can be proud of because it is the hardest one in the world! I don’t have kids, knew I couldn’t hack it. Be proud of what you are doing and allow yourself to vent! GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR ALL THAT YOU ACCOMPLISH EVERYDAY! It’s ironic that we pay nannies to take care of children, but when we take care of our own children, we don’t even consider it to be a worthwhile job! Hang in there, you are doing great! Wonderful Post!
Thank you so much…what a delightful comment to read this afternoon! 🙂
Not a parent, so I’ll just say i don’t see anything wrong with rolling your eyes, because like you said, you’re trying.
I’d also like to say that I’d love to babysit, but sadly, I’m busy that night.
Try “When The Saints Go Marching In”. Is it possible to not be perked up by that song?
Also, Joan Osborne’s cover of Shoorah Shoorah is very bouncy/perky/happy.
I’m pretty sure we all feel like that at times. I do anyway. The other thing to remember is that you’re sitting at the end of a long, cold winter. Maybe cut yourself some slack and wait and see how you feel once you’ve had a bit of sunshine and vitamin D?
I asked my husband what that glowing ball was outside today, before he could answer it went away…we are ALL lacking some serious vitamin D! I know the weather changing will have a huge effect (mental note, read AGAIN the difference between effect and affect) on everyone. 🙂
I’m so glad I read this. I’ve been thinking the same things and feeling the same way. And lately, I feel like I can barely write. I feel burned out yet when I don’t write I feel anxious. Does that even make sense? And I’m so tired of the whining and screaming. It’s just so exhausting. I feel like there is only a brief time in the evening if silence yet I’m so tired, I go to sleep early and miss out on enjoying it. I’m there with you. And I’ve also felt the guilt. I know so many who would love to live this life I have, but damn, some days I just want a little peace. 🙂 Hugs to you mama! Xx
Not being able to write is something that I have been struggling with the most. And feeling anxious because of it, only makes me feel worse. I’m right there with you when you talk about that short window at night as the only time to yourself. I agree, it’s so hard to take advantage of that time when you are exhausted and next to impossible to write anything because my brain is so fried. Lately, it’s kid drama from sun up to sun down, leaving little time for me. I need to find a balance…if it exists! Thanks for reading Deanna and thanks so much for letting me know I’m not alone!