Lately, it seems like all that I write, has a dark side to it. I have definitely been pulled in to the challenging world of writing fiction the past few weeks, but there is more to it than that. I promise this isn’t another post about feeling depressed. Good grief, I’m even tired of writing them. Ugh!
I have been burned out people. My brain has been idling on overload. I seriously have felt like I am stuck in quicksand. Even the smallest tasks have me on edge.
It’s not just my depression, although I know that has a role in it. It’s being Momma and wifey and a woman who is scared to death that she is doing little more than moving through motions.
Both of my kids are young and are at challenging stages. Little man is learning to assert himself with NO’S! and fits that are hard to even watch. Sassy four yr old is well…sassy. Her defiance has me at my wits end. I know it’s normal but I’m struggling with it.
Before I was even out of bed this morning, Little Man and his sister were surrounding me, fighting over a damn pillow. The result of that fight was Little Man’s head colliding with my left eye socket. Had I not taken a few (like 10) deep breaths, I may have just jumped out the (second story) window.
I feel like my frustration is eating my creativity. Well, actually, that may be a bit of a lie. I think my hesitation to write anything other than fictional stories lately is based on fear that the truth in how I am really feeling will bring on judgment. No one wants to be thought of as an ungrateful Mother but the truth is … I wish not being Momma was a temporary option. Isn’t that awful. I could punch myself for even saying that “out loud” because I have friends who have struggled with fertility issues and here I am complaining about my two healthy children.
I can’t help it. Every time I hear the whining lately, I want to crawl in a hole. It’s hard to even make light of it. Even the wine isn’t helping. Hell, most nights I’m so tired, I can’t even finish a glass.
Mother Nature isn’t helping matters. I know if I could just get outside of these four walls without having to worry about ice and snow and hats and boots, I would feel better.
Right now, I have over 30 drafts going…30! I can’t even finish a thought on “paper”! My brain is a scattered as this post.
Part of it too is trying to figure out if being a SAHM is a healthy thing for me. Some days I feel like it is and then others, not so much. It puts me in my own head a lot and that can be tricky for me. My children bring me a lot of joy but I’m lacking being challenged in ways that don’t involve four year old drama and 19 month old shenanigans.
Plus, there is the fact that I really have no idea what I want to do with my life anymore. I used to know. I used to have a clear path I was headed in. I’m thankful for falling of course, had I not, I never would have started this blog. However, where do I go from here? I love blogging but lets be real here people, it will never pay the bills. …and there are definitely bills that need to be paid, especially since we have only one income now.
So anyway, I guess I will stop with the ranting on Motherhood and the woes of my little life and try to focus more on the positives. Yes, I just rolled my eyes but cut me some slack ok, I’m trying. Perhaps I will throw on some good tunes, pick up the house a bit while the little guy is sleeping and start a list of positive things in my life to start focusing more on.
Care to share what song always helps pull you out of a funk? Are you a SAHM, if so, how do you keep sane?…no really…HOW? Do you get paid to write???? Please share how you got the ball rolling on that … thirsty (and poor) fingers need to know.