What Doesn’t Bend, Breaks.

 

There is something about this third decade of my life, that has opened my eyes, and my heart, just a little bit wider. For those that believe people don’t change, it’s unfortunate they missed this stage in life.

Change is necessary. It’s a platform for growth.

I can look back at the last decade of my life with perspective and a bit more earned wisdom. I can see where I steered off course, made poor choices, mistaken certain things, relationships or events for what really matters. But I regret none of it. I appreciate and know the value of the scars left behind.

I’m learning how stillness, can lend itself to moving forward. Simple motions in time, like drinking coffee on the porch, watching the kids play outside, has become way more important than a big house or expensive vacations. Our five year plan has totally morphed in to a “it will get done eventually” mantra. I’ll give up damn near everything for sunny days in the backyard with the young babes though.

I’ve definitely become more of the tortoise and less the hare. Yes, some of that may actually be due to the arthritis in my hip and sleep deprivation (yes I said I’m in my 30’s and not my 70’s); however, it’s more to do with me just being in less of a rush these days.

Had I not been in my late 20’s when I became a Mom, I don’t know that I would have been wise enough or selfish smart enough, to realize being a Mother isn’t enough. Learning how to unconditionally love others is a gift and is fulfilling. But learning how to love yourself and evolving, is necessary.

I’m not afraid to hold myself accountable to how I’m feeling anymore; or other people for that matter. I used to avoid this behavior. I don’t like confrontation. Whether it be with a best friend, co-worker, my husband, a boss or myself – I hate it. But it doesn’t scare me anymore. It doesn’t make me feel like I would rather curl up in a little ball rather than say what I need to say. I feel like my voice is streaming from a foundation worth paying attention to.

I think my drive to overcome the helplessness instilled in me, and my maternal instincts, have met at just the right time. It’s quite empowering. Both are teaching me to how to bend instead of break.

Living in the past kept me stagnant and scared. Ignoring it left me defeated. Understanding how it is connected to me now, as a woman and still pretty new Mother, seems to be right where I need to be at this point in my life. Some would say, of course you are right where you are supposed to be, where else could you be? I’d say it depends on the day.

Some days, I’m able to call myself out on my own irrational thoughts. I can pin point envy in the way I find myself judging other people. I have to ask myself why things matter so much – if it’s because it appears it will make life easier, or it’s because of what other people may think, than I know I need to check myself. Authenticity isn’t born out of ease or other people’s opinions.

I guess that’s really what I am chasing these days. Authenticity. To carve out the baggage and fine tune my soul. Every other day, I feel like I am starting from scratch. That in itself, is a beautiful lesson.

 

 

 

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24 thoughts on “What Doesn’t Bend, Breaks.

  1. Sounds like you’re in a good place. I’d like to be the tortoise, not the hare, too. And it’s true, we don’t need the big house or fancy vacations to make us happy, it’s something else, knowing what’s important.

    • I don’t think any of us “get this” all the time. Sometimes I am highly annoyed by such thoughts if I’m being honest. But you’re right. For now, I am in a good place. It feels good to finally have the fog lifted.

    • Thank you! I could only wish to have this type of perspective EVERY morning. That will never happen with me but I do thrive on the them, when they happen. 🙂 Helped me break through a bit of writers block I’ve had going.

    • Please excuse the untimely response…life tends to get in the way of blogging these days.

      Thank you for the kind words. I’m where I am because I saw, heard and survived a lot of shit growing up. I can’t put it anymore delicate than that. The only way I can say any of it was worth anything is to try to keep myself in this kind of space. It’s never a constant thing for me though. Peaks and valleys, right?

  2. “Fine tune my soul.” Did you make that up? Exquisite. The older I get, the simpler I want my life. When I am 60, I fully expect to need nothing more than blue sky and green grass. I loved this post. I luxuriated in it!

    • I DID come up with that one. And for some reason, it came in the voice of an older, African American woman… like it was read at a poetry slam. Lol…yes, I’m messed up in the head. That’s why I write. “Simple” is a great word to describe what I was trying to describe here 🙂 that’s all I really want.

  3. I am at the same point in my life as you, although taking the no child route, and completely agree with your thoughts. We are so constantly evolving. I thought I knew everything at 18, then at 25 I scoffed at my naïveté now in my mid-thirties I’m so completely different again! Who knows what the forties will bring!

    • OMG 40! My husband and I were just saying how creeping up to 40 is a crazy feeling. Stay positive, right? I definitely thought I knew what the hell I was doing in my 20’s. Like you, I laugh at myself now. I’ve kind of always “had my shit together” but still, I had no idea.

  4. I love the last paragraph especially. I feel the exact same way in this, my third decade. And you’ve put it out there so well. It’s something I have been thinking about but haven’t figured out how to voice.

    • I’m ALWAYS thinking about it, it seems!! I’m such a dreamer though…always looking to figure something out or see something through regardless of how many barriers. A bit unrealistic at times but that’s what my husband is for…he can always bring me back down and keep my grounded. It works 🙂

  5. Isn’t this ride called LIFE amazing? We never know what’s around the next corner. Even though we have no children, my life at 51 has been full, a little rocky, and now 7yrs in recovery, I became a published author on my 50th birthday! I gave up on planning how life should be, too stressful and disappointing when things don’t go the way we thought.

    I just live in the moment one day at a time, and follow the path God has laid out for me. Always reach for the stars though no matter what stage in life your in. Wonderful post!
    Hugs & Blessings,
    Author, Cat Lyon 🙂

    • A published author for your 50th…Amazing! That is a goal of mine too. Some day. I see it happening but I’m not there yet. I need to gain ownership of my brain a little more (I have two small kids) before I’ll get there. Thanks for reading 🙂

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