Don't take life too serious.

Ben and Jerry Are Trying To Get Me Pregnant.

chunky monkey

My husband likes big butts, and I cannot lie. I, on the other hand, am a little concerned with the size of my derrière these days. Most women want to lose weight so they look/feel better. I’m just scared of getting chubby and knocked up.

I know several women who have gone on a health kick and ended up with fantastic bodies and two solid lines on a whiz quiz. Not me. Both times I have landed at my heaviest weight, I have gotten pregnant. A little junk in my trunk is dangerous.

I stepped on the scale the other day and realized I am 8lbs short of that baby-making weight. Not that I don’t use other precautions but the numbers don’t lie, the warm weather doesn’t last long around here and keeping warm and cozy with the hubs at night is starting to worry me.

Throughout the past year, I got a terrible case of the f*ck-its, when it comes to my physical well-being. I’m actually in a rather lovely place mind-wise. I’ve finally gotten myself to a mental space that is freeing and uplifting but feel like I’m sabotaging that reprieve by not addressing the full picture. The mind and body.

I was born with an addicts brain. It’s hard for me to find balance in anything. Food is no different. I love me some slightly undercooked brownies and if they are around, I will violate them. And ice cream…paleeze. There is a reason Death By Chocolate is my favorite. I will rationalize eating the crusts of my kid’s pbj sandwiches because, “I hate to see waste.” In reality, I see peanut butter and it’s like my two yr old noticing a piece of dog food on the floor, I just can’t say no.

Actually, I can say no. Lately, I just haven’t cared enough to. It’s the same thing with smoking cigarettes. I have quit for extended periods of time several times and then because of a lack of self control, I start up again. It always starts with bumming one while having a cocktail or just a random, “Oh I’ll be fine just having one!” Yeah, ok.

I used to walk every day once the weather started getting nice. I walked once this past summer. I have valid excuses…arthritic hip, I’m a tired-ass Mom, don’t have the time… but like Salt (or was it Pepa?) said, “Excuses are like assholes and everybody’s got one.” Truth is, I’m ignoring the value in it. Therefore, I’m seriously lacking self-value these days.

Last summer I was in a bikini. A freakin’ bikini. I looked great but struggled the worst I ever had with depression. Now, I’m at a better place mentally but I’ve let my body go. Why does that happen. Is the idea of being in an over-all place of well-being really just an elusive idea, thought up and marketed by some sick, sadistic douch-bag?

I’ve always been a goal-oriented person. If I say I will do something by a certain date or time, I’ll always do it. However, I am a procrastinator. I’ve decided to start by making small goals. Baby steps. I need to fight my tendencies to go all in, balls to the wall. I usually burn out pretty quick.

Much like I need to address this growing badonkadonk of mine, I need to start paying more attention to my what my body is telling me. And it’s telling me that just because Ben and Jerry’s ice cream is on sale, I do not have buy it. It’s serious people. If I end up with an oops baby, there will be nothing left of my mind or body to even talk about.

33 thoughts on “Ben and Jerry Are Trying To Get Me Pregnant.”

  1. I think giving yourself until the end of August to quit smoking is a reasonable, achievable goal (or sounds like it to me). Making the healthier food choices be available instead of jumping into a strict plan also sounds like a good way to start and keep up with the changes you want to make.

    My last month of pregnancy all I ate was Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream. Expensive habit, but hey, baby wanted calcium. Right?

  2. For some insanely random reason I had a spice girls song stuck in my head while I was reading this. “Tell me what you want, what you really really want.”

    August is a good time to quit. Post retrograde is even better!

    And I’ve just had a similar conversation with myself today! Had to forgo my favorite dark ale for the light stuff and everything. Darn those calories!

    1. It was all the ridiculous 90’s references. I’m so thirtysomething it’s sad.

      I felt good about myself around noon today for having a nice, healthy egg salad sandwich for lunch. …and then I crammed three rolos in my mouth when the kids weren’t looking. Only three you ask?… I ate the rest of the sleeve last night as soon as the kids went to bed. I seriously need someone to smack me in the back of the head when I go to do dumb shit like that.

      1. It did give me that warm and fuzzy feeling for about a minute. 🙂 …of course, then the “why the hell did I just do that” guilt kicks in.

  3. Bahahahs! This has to be my favorite post of yours, I cracked up the entire time! Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it today 🙂

    1. Ahhh thanks, April. That made my evening. And I’m glad someone else has my slightly dry, ridiculous sense of humor. 🙂

    1. There was a time when two slices made me feel content…yeah, now I have to stop myself at four. I just love good food. I can’t help it. Thanks for reading, Melanie 🙂

  4. Such a funny title! I’m like you — skinny and cranky or plump and content! For a while I could eat what I wanted but I can feel te weigt creeping back on. Having broken bathroom scales doesn’t help either! :0)

    1. Or maybe it does. It’s not about the number right? lol…listen to me trying give advice after I just ate Doritos for lunch.

  5. I have been eating bucketloads of chocolate myself lately although no pregnancy… Despite trying like crazy lol wish I had a magic trick for that 😉 good luck with the no smoking.

  6. I can so relate…except to the baby thing…thank the heavens! I have the best of intentions every night that the next day will be better. Then the next day it is out with the Hersey Drops (whoever invented those should be shot, don’t even burn the calorie of unwrapping anymore), snack crackers and ice cream. At least I can skip the meals and save those calories, right???

    Good luck, I’m rooting for you!

    1. Thanks. I swear I think the same way sometimes…”well, maybe i’ll just skip lunch.” Yeah, dumb right. It’s all about being in the right frame of mind for me and I’m just not there yet. Writing this helped though. Kind of like got the ball rolling for me.

  7. Oh, I am putty in Ben and Jerry’s hands. I cannot say no to ice cream, which is why I stubbornly cling to these extra 20 lbs.

  8. I can relate – I was just mentioning to my hubby that I am at my heaviest EVER, including 4 pregnancies – 1 with twins! I am terrible about snacking, finishing the food on my small people’s plates, etc. Good luck to you in your goals to quit smoking and decrease your bedonkadonk. 🙂

    TaMara @ Tales of a Pee Dee Mama

      1. Sanity is completely gone. One was a set of twins – so 4 pregnancies, 5 children. I have no brain cells left. 🙂

  9. I’m all for everyone quitting smoking – hooray! But losing weight? Whatever! We women focus way too much on that (I am guilty too). I just wish we could be happy with our bodies no matter what. xoxo good luck with your goals!

    1. So do I. And I say what you just said all the time. Why do we care so damn much? I should really try to start practicing what I preach a little more when it comes to this topic. Any many others I suppose. Thanks for reading 🙂

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