In December of 2012, I put my career on hold and decided to become a SAHM. I quickly fell in love with raising my children full-time. Just as quickly, I started to spiral into an intense depression. I know now, that simultaneous break in my life, was necessary.
My life slowed down tremendously after becoming a SAHM. I remained always on the move, but the motions were less demanding on my brain. It left room for my mind to sit still, something I have always thrived on avoiding. I started drowning in both unwanted memories and a belief that I had very little to offer others, or myself.
I remember a day last September, through unexplainable tears, I tried to explain to a friend how I was feeling. I admitted to feeling empty, even though my life was so full. My friend knew I enjoyed writing and encouraged me to start putting my feelings on paper. She suggested starting a blog. I barely knew what a blog was, but for the first time in a long time, I was intrigued.
I started writing in journals and creating poetry at a very young age. Reading, writing and music were always my way of stepping out of the dysfunctional environment I was raised in. I carried my love of writing into my teenage years but it halted at around age eighteen. Life started to get in the way. I was young, on my own, working full time, going to school full time and more focused on exploring life, not the emotions that were driving me.
Two weeks after my friend and I spoke, I created a blog. I had no idea what I was doing as far as building an audience, I was just absorbed in using my words as stepping stones to feel better – more like myself. The positive feedback and support I received encouraged me to dig deeper and talk louder. It was after I wrote and shared a post about being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse that something clicked. For the first time in my life, I felt vulnerable, but not afraid. I felt empowered.
I started writing daily. During the day, I scribbled on napkins while I made pbj sandwiches. I danced the with little guy on my hip and typed with one hand, if he let me. I would let the sassy one break out every crafty thing in the house to occupy her, while I hid and emptied my brains for ten minutes. Nap time became sacred to me.
I wrote about childhood experiences, parenting experiences, fiction, day to day conversations and things I saw happening around me that struck a nerve. It became clear to me, the most vulnerable pieces, those around the topic of abuse and mental illness, were the ones that were pushing my spirit in the right direction. They were, and still are, always the ones that touched people enough to respond.
When Can Someone Tell My Daughter Who God Is was Freshly Pressed, it was the first time anything I had ever written had been recognized and exposed to that magnitude. The irony of it being a post on faith, was not lost on me. It was a huge leap of faith for me to even write it, let alone share that story.
I never saw my ability to be a “good” writer, as a tool I could use to help heal myself and others, until now. That quiet pull on my heartstrings to quit my job, to be home with my kids, to throw away the map and follow my heart, is all starting to make sense now. Had I not, I would never of recognized the pen as the prescription I needed to get healthy, and move my life in the direction it is now headed.
The string of events I am speaking of is allowing me to take another huge leap of faith. Publishing Raising A Girl As A Survivor, has led me to team up with another blogger, Joyelle, with plans to extend our voices, and work toward shutting down the shame that keep abuse survivors so quiet.
If you follow my blog, you know I am passionate about speaking openly about being a survivor. I have no doubt that my life, for the past two years, has led to exactly this. The project we are working on is still in the planning stages, but I will be posting more information soon. I can’t tell you how excited I am about this.
That unexplainable emptiness that carried me to such a low place two years ago, along with the universe putting me in a place where I was surrounded by love, was on purpose. It has led me here – to a place where I am confident that I can now use the dysfunction I lived through, for a greater cause.
Much love to all that have and continue to support me in this journey. I will continue to need your support, as we get this project off the ground. Stay tuned!