Words. Thoughts. Feelings.

wtf

I’m not really sure what this post is about. I have so many little tid bits of thoughts floating around upstairs and I can’t help but think they are all connected in some way. I’m just not sure how. I wish I were a numbers person, and not a words person sometimes. At least then, I could formulate my thoughts, and there would be a concrete answer.

I’m suddenly angry at people I’ve never really had content towards. My deceased mother included. I’ve stated in earlier posts that I am surprised by my own ability to excuse her actions in life, not because she is no longer here, but because of the struggles she lived with while she was here. This doesn’t feel as true for me these days. Why? I have no idea. I just know that when I look at my favorite picture of her on the wall, I immediately look away. She has such a geniouen smile in that photo. I’ve often thought that maybe, on her best days, that was her true self. I’m just not so sure anymore. What’s even more frustrating is that I will never know. Our time together was cut too short. I was too young then to ask, or to even want to ask the hard questions. I’m not sure where this resentments is coming from right now.

My father and I only connected when I was in my early 20’s. He stepped out on parenting when I was only a toddler. I never spent my life hating him for it. I was indifferent about his existence, at best. I know he too had the kind of childhood that doesn’t provide an adequate heart to give or receive love fully. It’s not an excuse, just the way it was. Even knowing that, and despite his best efforts to build a relationship, I’m irritable about the whole situation lately. I feel as though he has no rights to a say in my life, good or bad. I’m not sure if I’m mad at him or that fact that he is here and my mother is not. I don’t know if it’s because of what he did do or didn’t do. That bothers me. It bothers me that my own resentment gets in the way of building a relationship with the only parent I have left.

I’m conflicted about the idea of going back to work. I fall somewhere in the middle of being a dreamer and a realist. I know a single income is enough to keep food on the table and a roof over our head, but not enough to prevent the daily stress of being “just not enough”. The weight my husband carries fills me with guilt sometimes, especially since I know I could help lift that burden by bringing in a second income. It will come at a huge cost though. My baby boy is only two. Giving up raising him full time will break my heart. I know he’ll be in good hands and kids are resilient, but I don’t care. I’m his momma and I want to be the one raising him. My daughter is five and her spirit relies heavily on her ability to be social and active. Not being available to her will limit my ability to provide those types of outlets. I’m scared to death of that all-business-no-play rush that is 5pm when both parents work. I’m trying to stay positive because I know the type of income I can add to the household will have a very positive impact. But it comes at such a cost. Sacrifices will have to be made. And the change, I don’t always do well with change.

I’ve worked my ass off the past two years to find my voice. Not just an online voice but a voice that I can recognize as my own, that I feel comfortable and confident in. It’s taken thousands of written words to get to this place. If I go back to work, how will I find the time to navigate my thoughts? How will I maintain this progress? If it weren’t for nap time, I’m not sure I would ever get the space, time and silence I need to feed my creative mind. I was a working mom before I was a SAHM. I know what it’s like and how exhausting it is. I’m not sure creativity can thrive in that type of environment. A bit of me feels like I’m whining because I have many writer friends who also work; however, it’s just one more challenge on their plate. I’m worried about a plate that is too full for me. I’m liable to drop it, leaving me shattered. That scares the hell out of me.

I’ve been so vulnerable lately. It has caused a lot of emotion to sit right under my skin. I’m ok with being a sensitive person. I’m not ok with feeling so fragile. It’s such an odd thing to have people comment on my strength at a time when I actually feel quite weak. I know that is the price I have to pay in order to tap into that part of my brain that allows my thoughts to roam free. But it leaves me unprotected. That is a hard place to be. It is very difficult to sit in the pain and not drown. I have such an urge to numb myself. That’s is the defense mechanism that has always worked best for myself. I’m not an addict but I believe I have the mind of one. Some days I can’t help but feel that I can’t find myself without losing myself, nor can I rid myself of dysfunctional thoughts without replacing them with sometimes more painfully, honest ones. It is a constant tug of war on my heart, mind, body and soul and quite frankly, I just want to put the rope down some days.

Everything just feels so extreme lately. I’d give anything to have a dull, boring day. I’m up or I’m down. Not in a polar, manic way but in the way that words, thoughts and feelings are just heavier lately. It’s not that I can’t laugh or enjoy my time, it’s just there is this overwhelming sense of something always on the side. I’m having a hard time putting things away. I’m lacking closure on even the most miniscule tasks. You know when there is that irritating thought that you are forgetting something but you can’t figure out what it is, and eventually you go to reach for your phone and realize that’s what it was? That’s the feeling I am carrying all the time lately, only I can find everything I’m reaching for.

Perhaps I’m reaching for the wrong things? I know I’m susceptible to the monster that is depression but I don’t believe that kind of fog is solely to blame right now. I keep flipping up mats, opening up locked cabinets, shaking my heart and mind to see what falls out, and I keep coming up empty handed.

What it is? What am I missing? What is this impasse that I seem to be stuck in?

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19 thoughts on “Words. Thoughts. Feelings.

  1. I wish I knew what to tell you. I wish it helped to say “I know what you mean” but I know that only goes so far when you are having to live life in the meantime..

    I only hope things settle and you get some clarity on your decisions soon. ((Hugs))

  2. Okay, so addressing going back to work. I have discussed this with my wife (I am the only breadwinner in the family) and we have come to the conclusion that her mental health and family dynamic is more important than her working. I think you and your spouse need to sit down and have a serious discussion about it, but money isn’t everything and it cannot buy happiness or health.

    Have you tried applying for disability? A medically diagnosed mental health issue (like my wife’s bi-polar disorder) can qualify you. If you apply and get it, that may be what you need to take a bit of the financial burden off. It has for us.

    I think you need to continue to find your voice. Communicate about what is concerning you, fears and anxiety. You cannot alleviate the symptoms unless you let it all out and communicate.

    As for everything else, not sure if I can give you any sage advice. I can only empathize and wish you the best!

    Take care.

    • Thank you for the kind words Vic. I used to work in the field of mental health and know the challenges of applying for disability. I don’t feel that I would qualify as I lack the medical history for it. In ways I wonder if going back to work would actually help me.. Im just not sure. The more I think about it, the more I am thinking I just need to get back into counseling. I saw a wonderful therapist a fee years back and I’m confident she could help me straighten out what I’m feeling. I just need to make the call. Finances are not everything, you are definitely right about that! However, the stress of stretching pennies is so very stressful. I’m not sure I can continue to do it. I will get through this and have learned the importance of listening to my body. I will pay attention and have faith that I will find a way to do what is best for my family AND me. It’s such a good feeling to know that people care. Thank you for taking time to respond to this post. Its so very appreciated.

  3. There was so much food for thought here. I had to reread it twice to let it absorb. If you are not an addict but still feel you have the mind of one, then perhaps you should still go for the same kind of help that they get. Have you ever tried a 12 step program? They can help with a thought process that’s slightly faulty, not just concrete addictions. And when I say “faulty” I just mean not serving you well. At any rate I really identify with what you write. Hang in there.

    • Funny you should mention the 12 step program… Oprah just did a Super Soul Sunday show on that very topic and I am anxious to watch it. If you aren’t familiar with that show, check it out. Its a beautiful thing. Thank you for caring Stephanie. It means so much to know I have people like you in my corner, wishing the best for me.

    • And I know this post was all over the damn place. … It truly is representative of my unruly brain right now. I’m ok though…just need to find some clarity.

  4. Thanks for sharing all this; sometimes it can help just to write out your thoughts or to share them with someone. It sounds like a very overwhelming period in your life, and I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. While your issues may be unique to you, we’ve all definitely experienced those feelings. Hang in there 🙂

  5. The decision whether or not to go back to work is so tough and one I can relate to. I had convinced myself that it was the right decision when my kids were 3 and 1. We were seriously broke at the time. I found a job that would’ve been someone else’s dream but I quit after 2 weeks. My son hated daycare and I missed them so much. In our case, the cost to our sanity was too high. I ended up starting a business from home and we found ways to cut even more out of our budget. I’ll never forget the stress of trying to decide what to do. For me, it was an issue of wanting to be in control and not being able to surrender to the outcome. I didn’t want to make the wrong decision. But I did and it wasn’t the end of the world. I just made a better decision next time! On a side note, numbing for me is a form of resistance (back to that control issue) and not wanting to accept what I feel.

    • Acceptance is so tough for me too, Karen. Not being able to control my insides, how I’m feeling, is unbearable at times. This time especially for some reason. Thank you for the support. As far as going back to work…I still don’t know what to do. I have applied for a job. Its actually my position I previously left. I was very good at what i did and its good money. I’m very torn. I plan to call my old therapist today…I think its time. And actually since I made the decision to call her, I feel a little more calm. Much love to you, Karen.

    • Thank you, Julie. I am definitely trying to focus on the simple joys these days. And thanks for complimenting my writing. That’s so nice to hear. ~Dawn

  6. Sweet Dawn, you know you have become one of my favorite people. Well, if you didn’t, you do now. This is a lot in your head and I’m glad you took a few moments to put it out on page just to clear it out a little. It helps me when I do that. Take things step at a time and maybe it’s time to talk to someone if you can and don’t already. You’ll be okay. If nothing else, I know you are a fighter, Hang in there and if you need an ear or a shoulder you know where to find me.

    • Sandy ~ I’m almost embarrassed at this untimely response. It was just bad timing. I was at a point where I felt I had nothing positive to say, so I said nothing. I’m getting better. I have in fact starting seeing someone and am making progress. I actually published a post today for the first time in weeks. I just wanted to make sure you knew that I did see and very much appreciate this comment. Thank you for reminding me that I am in fact a fighter. I got knocked down but I’m finding my way up again. I can’t thank you enough for your support. ~Dawn

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