Rebuilding

rebuilding

I scrape the pen against my flesh

hoping new words will spill out

but they don’t.

I bang the keys

begging thoughts to connect

but they won’t.

Frustration sears my brain

depleting passion

executing creativity.

My spirit left brittle

thin skin torn

a travesty.

My one true remedy

out of reach

unable to help me cope.

I didn’t pace my pain

and ignored my body’s voice

a martyr’s hope.

I denied the whole self

tending only to the suffering

suffocating the purpose.

I poked at the wounds

until my soul bled out

leaving me wordless.

I see now the signs

warning me

to protect my heart.

Choosing to push harder

in spite of the whispers

I broke my art.

I need to redesign

my way of healing

with more self compassion.

I need to cultivate

a recovery with

more distractions.

I can’t focus

on only what has

brought me pain.

I need to gravitate

more to what

keeps me sane.

Love is all around me

looking at me

with adoring eyes.

I’ll continue to hurt

if I choose

to over empathize.

What once felt

like it

set me free

Led me

to the dark side

of vulnerability.

The backlash to

opening myself up

this way

Has reminded me

I’m only human and

and I can’t hurt the pain away.

I’ll continue to

move towards

the fear

Banishing shame and

shouting the words

survivors need to hear.

But I can’t put

my life

at risk

My depression

remains too

thick.

For the sake

of my heart

body and mind

I have to

tread lightly

towards this mission of mine.

***

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “Rebuilding

  1. My Dear Dawn, This is a Good post. Somehow, Soul Satisfying. And hence, Kudos.

    I can understand that You love to write. But. As an Old man, may I suggest that You Not Allow it to Drive You?

    When I feel Tired like that, (that is what I would call it, Tiredness, rather than ‘depression’), I take time off, watch movies on the TV, Walk a little, look at my collection of pictures stored in my computer…

    As I see in ‘Related posts,’ …(A person) Raised in hell, but still parenting well’ is an Extraordinary one. You Need to Celebrate that.

    Just Nurture Your Soul. Once refreshed, which will take as long as is needed, the Writing will just Flow!

    Love e and Regards. 🙂

    • You are wise my friend. You told me months ago to back off on writing. I should have listened. At the time though, I saw that as the opposite of what I should do. The act of actually writing isn’t what pushed me over the edge recently. It had more to do with what I was writing about. I took on being the voice for many and in the process, stopped listening to myself. It is more than “tiredness” for me. It was a full blown depressive state…that led me right back to my therapists couch. I’m learning how to nurture my soul back to health right now. I’m treading lightly with writing and I already feel less stressed. Thank you dear friend, for looking out for me and caring as you always do. ~Dawn

      • Thank You for writing, Dawn! Good to hear from You. …Yes, what You have written here is the ‘problem’ of those who Care! A ‘Blessed’ problem, but still, there it is! We have to Remember that ‘Blessed are Those who Mourn,’ as also: ‘The Battle belongs to the Lord.’ This latter verse is one I have to remind myself quite often!

        Lots of Love. 🙂

  2. I recognise myself in your poem – I find self-compassion much easier in theory than in practice, but hopefully I’m getting there, slowly but surely… ❤

    • Ruth, I agree. It is so much easier to speak about taking care of ourselves than actually doing it. Sometimes I even wonder if I know how to. I’m trying to listen more and pay attention to my “red flags”. I’ve minimized them in the past and it put me in a pretty dark place. I hope you can do the same.

  3. Your pacing and formatting added a touch of going down the rabbit hole, and your words are so self-aware without seeming self deprecating, I loved the way that this was put together, and the message behind it.

    • Thank you, Shannon. That was so nice to hear. I tried to keep the rhythm while picking up the pace towards the end. I’m glad you picked up on that feeling of “going down the rabbit hole.” I really appreciate the feedback on this one.

  4. Dawn, this was such a point of connection for me. Especially that line “I broke my art”. It does so often feel like there are no more words, when you have poured them, along with all their emotions, out onto a page. Lovely piece.

  5. I see so much of my own thoughts and thought patterns in this, Dawn. I understand the struggle, the need to write/be creative/find an outlet vs the pressure we put on ourselves to do all that. “I need to gravitate more to what keeps me sane” is the kind of thing I try to remember – and often don’t do enough. Why is it so easy to give free reign to the things that drive exhaustion, self-doubt and self-criticism? It’s also very easy, I find, to let the things that keep us sane start to morph into things that undermine us. I guess what I want to say is you’re not alone, don’t despair, have patience, accept that sometimes this is just the way our minds work and that’s ok.

    • Finding the balance I’m it all is something I am constantly working on. Glad to hear I’m not alone in this. I tend to be an all-in kind of person and that’s what gets me every time. You think I’d have learned that by now. I can always depend on the universe to keep pushing that lesson upon me though!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s