I scrape the pen against my flesh
hoping new words will spill out
but they don’t.
I bang the keys
begging thoughts to connect
but they won’t.
Frustration sears my brain
depleting passion
executing creativity.
My spirit left brittle
thin skin torn
a travesty.
My one true remedy
out of reach
unable to help me cope.
I didn’t pace my pain
and ignored my body’s voice
a martyr’s hope.
I denied the whole self
tending only to the suffering
suffocating the purpose.
I poked at the wounds
until my soul bled out
leaving me wordless.
I see now the signs
warning me
to protect my heart.
Choosing to push harder
in spite of the whispers
I broke my art.
I need to redesign
my way of healing
with more self compassion.
I need to cultivate
a recovery with
more distractions.
I can’t focus
on only what has
brought me pain.
I need to gravitate
more to what
keeps me sane.
Love is all around me
looking at me
with adoring eyes.
I’ll continue to hurt
if I choose
to over empathize.
What once felt
like it
set me free
Led me
to the dark side
of vulnerability.
The backlash to
opening myself up
this way
Has reminded me
I’m only human and
and I can’t hurt the pain away.
I’ll continue to
move towards
the fear
Banishing shame and
shouting the words
survivors need to hear.
But I can’t put
my life
at risk
My depression
remains too
thick.
For the sake
of my heart
body and mind
I have to
tread lightly
towards this mission of mine.
***
W.T.F. 
My Dear Dawn, This is a Good post. Somehow, Soul Satisfying. And hence, Kudos.
I can understand that You love to write. But. As an Old man, may I suggest that You Not Allow it to Drive You?
When I feel Tired like that, (that is what I would call it, Tiredness, rather than ‘depression’), I take time off, watch movies on the TV, Walk a little, look at my collection of pictures stored in my computer…
As I see in ‘Related posts,’ …(A person) Raised in hell, but still parenting well’ is an Extraordinary one. You Need to Celebrate that.
Just Nurture Your Soul. Once refreshed, which will take as long as is needed, the Writing will just Flow!
Love e and Regards. 🙂
You are wise my friend. You told me months ago to back off on writing. I should have listened. At the time though, I saw that as the opposite of what I should do. The act of actually writing isn’t what pushed me over the edge recently. It had more to do with what I was writing about. I took on being the voice for many and in the process, stopped listening to myself. It is more than “tiredness” for me. It was a full blown depressive state…that led me right back to my therapists couch. I’m learning how to nurture my soul back to health right now. I’m treading lightly with writing and I already feel less stressed. Thank you dear friend, for looking out for me and caring as you always do. ~Dawn
Thank You for writing, Dawn! Good to hear from You. …Yes, what You have written here is the ‘problem’ of those who Care! A ‘Blessed’ problem, but still, there it is! We have to Remember that ‘Blessed are Those who Mourn,’ as also: ‘The Battle belongs to the Lord.’ This latter verse is one I have to remind myself quite often!
Lots of Love. 🙂
I recognise myself in your poem – I find self-compassion much easier in theory than in practice, but hopefully I’m getting there, slowly but surely… ❤
Ruth, I agree. It is so much easier to speak about taking care of ourselves than actually doing it. Sometimes I even wonder if I know how to. I’m trying to listen more and pay attention to my “red flags”. I’ve minimized them in the past and it put me in a pretty dark place. I hope you can do the same.
*claps hands* Awesome!
Hey, thanks so much for that! *high five*
*high fives Dawn* XD
Your pacing and formatting added a touch of going down the rabbit hole, and your words are so self-aware without seeming self deprecating, I loved the way that this was put together, and the message behind it.
Thank you, Shannon. That was so nice to hear. I tried to keep the rhythm while picking up the pace towards the end. I’m glad you picked up on that feeling of “going down the rabbit hole.” I really appreciate the feedback on this one.
Dawn, this was such a point of connection for me. Especially that line “I broke my art”. It does so often feel like there are no more words, when you have poured them, along with all their emotions, out onto a page. Lovely piece.
Thank you, Asha. It can definitely feel draining at times. I’m working on letting my emotions drip out, instead of pour from now on!
I see so much of my own thoughts and thought patterns in this, Dawn. I understand the struggle, the need to write/be creative/find an outlet vs the pressure we put on ourselves to do all that. “I need to gravitate more to what keeps me sane” is the kind of thing I try to remember – and often don’t do enough. Why is it so easy to give free reign to the things that drive exhaustion, self-doubt and self-criticism? It’s also very easy, I find, to let the things that keep us sane start to morph into things that undermine us. I guess what I want to say is you’re not alone, don’t despair, have patience, accept that sometimes this is just the way our minds work and that’s ok.
Finding the balance I’m it all is something I am constantly working on. Glad to hear I’m not alone in this. I tend to be an all-in kind of person and that’s what gets me every time. You think I’d have learned that by now. I can always depend on the universe to keep pushing that lesson upon me though!