Can I Get A ‘Hell Yeah’ For Mediocre Parenting?!

Wine or coffee...you be the judge.

Wine or coffee…you be the judge.

I admit it. I was one of those moms that said, “my kid will never …” I thought I had a say in how my kid’s personalities would form. I ridiculously assumed that because I am their mother, that would be enough to make them obey. Well, karma has raised her hand and bitch slapped my righteous ass.

I’ve written before about my sassy baby girl. I’ve told you how she speaks her mind and is too smart for her own good. It’s true what they say, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Oh my Lawd that child has an attitude I hate to recognize. Most days I feel like I am dealing with a PMSing five year old. Her refusal to simply do as she is told makes my blood boil to a temperature hot enough to fry an egg on my tired ass.

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My beautifully spirited daughter will go far in life, I have no doubt. I’m just not sure we’ll both survive to see it happen. I’m old school people, with southern roots. I don’t take kindly to talking back. I have that “look” that scares children and grown ass men, but my daughter is rarely affected by it. She sees it as a challenge and her fighter’s heart will not back down. She will argue her point, even when she knows I know she’s wrong. The sassy one is the most passionate being I know. She has fierce blood but a tender soul. I love her for that but my God it makes it difficult to parent her.

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And my son…he’s the most handsome little ball of insanity you’ll ever meet. The boy has mad skills. He could convince Judge Judy that he needs a third cheese stick, and then like the diva he is, will decide it isn’t quite the flavor he was going for. He will then throw the wrapper at his feet and refuse to pick it up. I’ve left said wrapper on the floor for an entire day and have even withheld food until he decides to pick it up. I cave every time because the terrible two year old would rather go on a hunger strike than do something he just simply doesn’t feel like doing. He doesn’t win every time, but the score card is currently in his favor.

I never understood why parents let their child stay up past a reasonable bed time. I’d say dumb shit like, “I just wouldn’t tolerate it.” Enter kid number two and I have learned my tolerance level means absolutely squat to a little dude who needs less sleep than his momma on a writer’s high. I was spoiled with my first child. She has always been asleep by 8 at the latest. My little guy, at two, seems to think he should remain the center of the universe at 10pm. It isn’t a matter of not putting him to bed at a reasonable hour, it’s a matter of keeping his cute little butt in his bed. That little sucker will continuously come down the stairs, no matter what. He has even gone as far as perfecting the art of holding in a poop until an ungodly hour so he has a valid excuse to get up. Well played, little man, well played.

I’m telling you, my children are the reason I had to switch to red wine. White just no longer offered the kind of mind-numbing, patience-aiding effects necessary to make it through cranky hour. Ya know, that time between 4pm and whenever their precious bodies finally decide to give out. How in the hell do people survivor more than two children??? Oh God, that was not a challenge, please sweet Jesus do not take that as a lesson I need to learn!

I love my babies, I really do. And I know I am not the first mother to feel like a total failure because her children don’t listen to her and things don’t go the way she thinks they should. I’m just in that moment where scratching my eyes out and cutting off my arms at the elbows seems reasonable. That way I won’t have to point out the remote they can’t find that is right freakin’ next to them, or make one more freakin’ snack because they never. stop. eating.

Christmas break ends tomorrow and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t ecstatic. If I have to listen to one more ridiculous fight or bake one more set of cookies, I may just strap on the straight jacket and call it a day. I’m seriously considering looking the other way and letting Darwin’s theory play itself out, as they fight over the cheapest, dumbest toy in the house. More than once over the past two weeks I have clicked my heels, hoping to find myself sitting in a CEO worthy leather chair, wearing the most bitchin’ pink power suit you’ve ever seen, staring over the skyline of a city that never sleeps. Yes, I admit it, I have dreamed about what it would be like to be childless.

So on the eve of this way too long of a break in our daily routines, I say cheers! Simply because we have survived it. To all the mothers and fathers that have lost their shit more than once recently, I high five your normal ass. Now I need to go pour myself a big ‘ol glass of red wine and put the straight jacket on reserve. I promised the sassy one and her wild little brother they could help me make some cookies with the last of the M&Ms that crazy, fat bastard put in their stockings. Someone call the funny farm and let them know I’d like a room with a view please.

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40 thoughts on “Can I Get A ‘Hell Yeah’ For Mediocre Parenting?!

  1. My daughter is 12, and my son is 7. Your description of your children is so similar to what I experience with mine– I say, look out! I mean, you can imagine what your daughter would be like with real PMS, right? Bingo, that’s what I’ve got, plus Philadelphia lawyer debating skills wrapped up in tomboy sass. My son can remain revved high and tight ’til 3AM. I’ve woken up to hear him singing something at about 1/2 full lung capacity. And he’s a one-man wrecking crew if he doesn’t get what he wants– he’s destroyed his bedroom door (so I had to get a solid wood replacement), put slashes in the metal backyard shed with a 3 lb. axe, put holes in walls, ripped his sister’s door off the hinges, and cut holes in the fence with kitchen knifes fully out of his reach– or simply removed cedar fence pickets. Did I mention he has autism?

    Look out, look out.

    • Oh man…so very relatable. The tales you told had me cracking up and cringing at the same time. I fear the day my daughter starts in the direction of her tween/teen years. I seriously don’t know what I am in for but I can only imagine! And my little guy is a rough and tumble boy that I suspect will want to do everything his momma begs him not to. Like dangerous sports and such.

      • I’m not sure my son will be quite so butch… he is shaping up to be a Brony already. He is sweet (to the point of rotting your teeth) but he dishes out when he gets upset. It will probably throw a lot of guys off-guard…

    • Love and loathing our children is the worlds greatest dichotomy in my book. It’s learning how to remain somewhere in the middle that makes us the best parents we can possibly be. Some days are better than others…for sure!

  2. I am rolling on the floor laughing with my three children (who have been on school break since … forever!) and my husband wondering if I’ve lost my mind. Thank you for the good laugh. I relate to it all. It also touches upon something much deeper for me as a woman who parents as a survivor. Stay tuned! And thank you again!

    • So glad other moms get my sense of humor. As much as I say I don’t care about what others think, I really would hate to be the mom everyone thinks is ruining her children. lol I will definitely be staying tuned. I’m very excited to read your story. And I’m glad I could offer a few giggles…at my own crazy expense. 😉

      • If you hear someone howling from the rooftops don’t fret. It’s me. You’re not alone. Not at all. I think you described my children to a T, except add one more to make 3! Yikes!
        Much love to you and yours.

  3. Oh man, you daughter sounds just like mine! Is it wrong to be comforted by the fact that someone else is suffering as much as I am? Like you, I know she’s going to do amazing things in life but I doubt I’m going to get any credit for helping since everything I ever tell her is wrong. The only thing that gives me hope is that I’m pretty sure I was the same way with my parents and they both survived. They’re even still happy to see me. 😉

    • Oh no, don’t feel bad, it is more than comforting to hear others have feisty little angels among them. Ones that make them crazy on the daily! I don’t foresee any credit coming my way either. Like your daughter, my ideas are really hers…just ask her. Here’s to surviving these lovely little monsters of ours!

  4. Been there, done that. So glad my kids are grown and the grandchildren can be sent home. Hang in there! There’s always room for one more stressed out mom here at the sanitarium! LMAO

    • My sister, whose kids are young adults now, said almost verbatim what you just said! I’ll hang in there but only because I know that some day I’ll miss these crazy little bastards…and will probably wish they were right back at my feet again.

      • That you will! My mother had 5 she thought would never grow up. Now I must remind her (frequently) that I no longer HAVE to obey her, but will take her demands under advisement!

  5. Ha ha! Your daughter reminds me of my 5 year-old daughter.. I know i’ve told you that before! My daughter argued with the school principle no less, about how she didn’t have to play with her twin brother in the playground if she didn’t want to! The principle is brilliant though and I think she secretly admires a bit of spirit (me too). Earlier today I fantazised about what it would be like not having kids and the amount of money we had.. No harm in using your imagination is there? I daydream about winning the lottery most days too. 😉
    Cheers Dawn and Happy new year!! 🙂

    • I think about the money aspect of it too, Olivia. And then I usually ask, “what the hell did we do with all of it???” Our daughters will run the show in due time, no doubt about that. Their spirit will settle for nothing less. 🙂 Happy New Year to you and yours!

  6. I had to read it twice! Loved this, my daughter just turned two in Oct but has been in what they call “terrible twos” since shy of one! Sounds much like your daughter lol. It drives me effn mad she thinks she runs ish over here she’s the reason I’ve REstarted drinking. So cheers and hell yea to you my fellow mommy 🍻

    • Oh these little people think the rule the roost don’t they?! Drives me crazy and makes me want to pitch a fit that would put theirs to shame. Pick your battles right? Thanks for reading and the reblog!

  7. Word!!! Been losing my shit in every direction for the past three days. I was all packed up and ready to ship them off to school in the AM when i realized mine dont go back til Tuesday. Sweet lord!!!! Thank you for making me feel normal. And cheers on that red wine.

    • Twins. Phew! Hats off to you Papa. Glad to hear a dad chime in. 🙂 It’s funny because “stubborn” seems to be the most common term used among those commenting to this post. Glad to hear I’m not alone in this “no joke” job we have 😉

    • I don’t know how you mommas do it. Two is definitely enough for me. I wish I had more patience and sanity to have a bigger family, but I just don’t! Thanks for reading and commenting.

  8. I had tears in my eyes reading this. It is good to know i’m not alone in my insanity. I have 3 kids aged 8, 6 and 1 and they push my boundaries every. single. day. Red wine is my saviour 🙂

  9. Pingback: Who Knew So Many Parents ‘Get’ Me. | W.T.F.

  10. We’re half way through the summer holidays here in Sydney Australia (three weeks down, three weeks to go) and as a single working mum I said “hell yeah” about 3,000 times while reading that. Sure my kids are older and I can leave them at home alone now without anyone (hopefully) calling the cops but shit they wear me down. Thanks for putting a lot of my crazy thoughts into words.

    • Oh just thinking of summer makes me want to cry. It is literately 1degree here with a wind chill of -10 to -20 right now!! I suppose that is neither here nor there. This holiday break was a two week break. The stages my kids are at, I don’t know that I will survive the whole summer break!! I’m currently looking to go back to work…pray for me! lol. Thanks so much for reading and reaching out to me. ~Dawn

  11. Oh my God! Dawn this is amazing and every single word has me nodding my head like mad! I had FOUR home over the holidays and thought I would lose my mind. My husband took them all to our cabin for a week after Christmas and THAT, my friend, was my vacation. Part of me envies the wine drinking. All I can do is hide in the closet and cry…..

    You’re a good mama. Thanks for keepin’ it real.

    • Your husband took your kids away and you had the house to yourself?? Score! I love those moments. The quiet, stillness, mental room to breathe…yes, that IS a vacation my friend. Don’t envy the wine drinking…it is a crutch and I envy those that can survive the chaos with it. Even with the wine, I still lock myself in the bathroom. lol. Thanks for the comment, Sandy.

  12. I can’t believe you. Children are a blessing from god and every single moment of your time with them should be in utter reverence of their beauty. LOL KIdding of course!

    Your honesty is refreshing and much needed. Because I am one tired momma and some days I wonder how I will get through this all. I love these guys, I live for them, but man oh man. They are tough work! And I’d also be lying if I didn’t fantasize sometimes about binge watching my favorite series in bed while drinking red wine and napping periodically. Ahhhh…the good old days! 🙂

    • Ah yes…the good old days. When we could finish a thought and go to bed naked. Miss that shit. Thanks so much for reading and commenting. 😉

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