Kids Are Bad For Your Health.

You’ll never be the same.

I’d dare say there is a significant amount of danger upon entering my house these days.  Those without children should probably just stay away .  Actually, four out of five doctors and therapist would probably recommend avoiding visiting my house at all.

You won’t be laughing for long.

Once in a while, I actually get visitors.  I have come to realize, disclaimers are necessary before making oneself comfortable though.  Let me give you the run down on things any guest should be aware of before visiting.

If you don’t break an ankle slipping on one of the invisible-in-plain-sight Legos or matchbox cars on the floor, you are at least certain to stub a toe on the gaps between the pergo flooring in the living room.  Prepare for it.  My kids astounding ability to overload your senses is so perfected, even the wooden floor is cracking up.

This is what my last visitor looked like when he left.

I’d recommend standing over sitting.  Apparently, adults sitting down start to resemble a jungle gym the longer they sit.  You will be pounced on without notice.  You’ve been warned.  Pouncing has led to busted lips, black eyes and knees to the gut in this house.

She thought she could handle the honesty.

You can hang your self esteem by the door.  I have a four yr old and those crazy bastards invented the “no filter” hoopla, so it won’t do you much good here.  If something about your appearance is “off” today, she is sure to let you know about it.

You’ll never see it coming.

I always have extra bold roast coffee brewed.  I want all guests to be on the up and up so you don’t miss the fire poker coming at you with the force of a crazy 18mth old behind it.  I can offer you a helmet in order to help ward off concussions.  It’s not required to wear them but highly recommended.  The little guy often shows affection by pimp slapping you with whatever is in his hand at the moment.  I have junk cups for the guys.  Momma’s sweet boy stands about crotch high now and has a right hook that will leave the boys crying.

Incognito.

You will surely want to have your eyes peeled if you have a bite to eat while you’re here.  My dogs are sneakier than a vengeful ex-girlfriend.  If you don’t eat fast enough, it will be taken from your plate or even hand so fast you’ll question whether or not you actually ate it or not.  They are always watching you.

This is only two minutes in to the conversation.

Let me be clear in saying that engaging my four year old in conversation may cause anxiety.  The rate of speed to which words and complete randomness comes out of her mouth may trigger double vision and/or a minor brain explosion.

My son would eat this kid for breakfast.

I hope you don’t scare easy.  My son will make a man of steel’s heart skip a beat.  Trust me when I say, don’t worry if you see the little guy jump from 5 steps up the staircase or dance like he just dropped a tab of E on the dining room table.  Those are actually two of his safer activities.

Don’t worry, this one isn’t too bad.

I always leave some Vicks Vapor rub by the door.  Please do yourself a favor and rub some underneath your nose before you enter my home.  Recently, I’ve changed diapers that could be used to torture terrorists in to giving up their own mothers.  Ironically, when the little man eats hardly anything at all, his ass shoots the most toxic poo.  Oh and I have two dogs that firmly believe it is their right to race to the couch before you have a chance to sit down.  Their wet, snowy fur clings to the fabric which will also leave the gentle aroma of ass wafting all around you.

I have some extra ear plugs if you need them.  For what, you ask?  Oh just wait.  When the third round of What Does The Fox Say begins just trust me and put them in as deep as they’ll go.  Repetition in this house is like crack and my kids are hard up for that damn fox.  Their mission in life seems to be figuring out what that hell he says, leaving me wanting to run directly in to the woods with a rifle to find out myself.

Sir Mix-A-Lot may be calling.

We can hang out in the kitchen but your doctor will probably not be happy with your presentation at your next physical.  I have a slight addiction to peanut butter and chocolate, which means you will most definitely be within arms reach of something irresistibly, sinful to eat.  Seriously, don’t look too hard or long at my Crayola Turd cookies, your ass will puff up and you will immediately fall in to a white sugar induced coma.

It’s in the budget.

Finally, I must warn you, the kitchen it quite possibly the most dangerous of all places we could be.  That’s where I keep the wine.  Just apologize to your liver now.  The amount of wine you will need to ingest to tolerate the volume level and energy my kids have to burn off will most certainly leave your head thumping in the morning. I’ve learned that if you mix it with juice, it lessens the guilt that comes with drinking wine at 10 am.

Oh wait, what did you say?  You can’t make it over?  No, I didn’t realize I talked until your ears bled.  Maybe the ear plugs will stop the bleeding.  You’re right, I probably should get out more but the children…THEY FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE!  I promise if we hide in the bathroom and take a couple swigs from the vodka bottle I keep hidden with the towels, we’ll have a very nice visit.

Me by lunch time.

No, it’s ok.  I get it.  I disassociate often and the view from above makes me shudder too.  I’ll just throw on some Nick Jr. and pray they don’t eat me alive.