I’m A Good Parent, I Swear!

Kid’s do as they see, not what they’re told. Lets be real, young kids do exactly what their little, psychopathic brains tell them to do.

Pre-kids, I was guilty of always judging a parent by her child’s behavior. If a child talked back to his Mother in public, I was appalled at her tolerance to allow such behavior. Now, as a Mother of two, I’ve eaten my precocious words and Karma is laughing her ass off.

Let me tell you what I do not spend my day promoting, but my kids seem to believe is acceptable, and some times hilarious, behavior.

• Greeting someone with a smile and a slap upside their head.
• Announcing of flatulence, giggling and then blaming the random stranger next to me in the check-out aisle.
• Sticking one’s fingers in her ears while being asked a question.
• Requesting an object, that is within reach.
• Repeatedly kicking the person who is trying to clean the toxic poo from his butt.
• Flushing the toilet…20 times in a row.
• Telling one’s Momma NO! before she can even finish her sentence.
• Loudly referring to a person sitting at the next table over as “funny looking”, and pointing of course.
• Throwing a fork at the waitress walking by and laughing like a crazy person.
• Pulling down one’s pants, just for the hell of it.
• Sharing gossip she overheard while eavesdropping at the most inopportune time, like before school, when all the parents are really close by.
• Feeding a home cooked meal to the dog and then pitching a fit worthy of leather restraints, in order to get yogurt for dinner.

I could go on…and on and on. But won’t. If you have small kids or have survived already raising them, you get what I’m saying. If you do not have kids, prepare yourself. Your children will make you look like the world’s worst parent, every chance they get.

Luckily, parenthood has an ironic way of stretching your sense of humor and tolerance. Picking your battles, becomes a matter of keeping your sanity.

Babysitters and friends say to me, “You have such well behaved kids.” I always thank them and truly appreciate the compliment. I suppose as long as they have everyone else fooled, we are doing something right!

Is there one thing your kid does that sends you over the edge? What’s the most embarrassing thing one of your children has ever done in public? Don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you.