I have a re-occurring dream that until now, I thought I somewhat understood the origin. While trying to close down the 500 tabs opened in my brain last night, I started thinking about this dream. I gained a new perspective, that kept me up for at least another hour pondering.
I’m in a car and the car is moving. I am either in the passenger’s seat or the back seat (I’m sure there is something to that as well) and I am alone in the car. I realize that no one is driving and very soon I’m going to crash. So I become panicked and try to crawl in to the driver’s seat to take control of the car. About the time I get to the wheel, I wake up. I never actually start driving and I never actually crash.
I used to think this was my subconscious telling me to take control in my life. Maybe I needed to try harder to make something (I’ve never really been sure what) happen. I am alone in the car to make clear that only I can do this. The car is out of control because, perhaps, I am not taking control.
Last night it occurred to me that maybe I need to not jump in the driver’s seat and trust that the car will get where it is going. And that I will be safe and protected when I get there. Maybe that is why I never actually take the wheel or crash.
The concept of someone or something, outside of myself, taking the wheel or laying down the road I’m driving on, has always been a hard pill for me to swallow. That is the very idea I have been playing tug of war with for the past few years. I pull as hard as I can and then something happens – I wait a few seconds before going on a green and a truck runs the red light, I stop what I am doing to look at wedding cards and find $90 inside one, a song comes on the radio that is way too coincidental, or a friend stops over to give me things she has extra of and doesn’t really need, but I do.
These events or signs always leave me with no choice but to give on the rope a little…but never fully. It’s not the principles and/or morals of God that I have ever denied or resisted, but more the dissonance or incongruity I feel when trying to put total and undoubting faith in something. It’s in doing that, and not feeling like I am choosing to completely shed personal responsibility.
This dream has become just another one of the signs, that have kept my pondering spirit on over drive lately.