Don't take life too serious.

Whose got the wheel?

This is really about perspective – questioning my own and curiosity about yours.  I have a re-occurring dream that until now, I thought I somewhat understood the origin.  All of a sudden last night, while trying to close down the 500 tabs opened in my brain, I started thinking about this dream.  All of a sudden, I had a new perspective that kept me up for at least another hour pondering.

The dream is the same every time. I’m in a car and the car is moving.  I am either in the passenger’s seat or the back seat (I’m sure there is something to that as well) and I am alone in the car.  I realize that no one is driving and very soon I’m going to crash.  So I become panicked and try to crawl in to the driver’s seat to take control of the car.  About the time I get to the wheel, I wake up.  I never actually start driving and I never actually crash.

I used to think this was my subconscious telling me to take control in my life.  Maybe I needed to try harder to make something (I’ve never really been sure what) happen.  I am alone in the car to make clear that only I can do this.  The car is out of control because, perhaps, I am not taking control.

Last night it occurred to me that maybe I need to not jump in the driver’s seat and trust that the car  will get where it is going.  And that I will be safe and protected when I get there.  Maybe that is why I never actually take the wheel or crash.

The concept of someone or something, outside of myself, taking the wheel or laying down the road I’m driving on, has always been a hard pill for me to swallow.  That is the very idea I have been playing tug of war with for the past few years.  I pull as hard as I can and then something happens – I wait a few seconds before going on a green and a truck runs the red light, I stop what I am doing to look at wedding cards and find $90 inside one, a song comes on the radio that is way too coincidental, or a friend stops over to give me things she has extra of and doesn’t really need, but I do.

These events or signs always leave me with no choice but to give on the rope a little…but never fully.  It’s not the principles and/or morals of God that I have ever denied or resisted, but more the dissonance or incongruity I feel when trying to put total and undoubting faith in something bigger than myself. It’s in doing that, and not feeling like I am choosing to shed personal responsibility.

This dream has become just another one of the signs, that have kept my pondering spirit on over drive lately.

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Momma has lost her mind.

“I Will Never Drive A Minivan”…Said Every Woman In Her 20’s.

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It seems like the ideas that I am most resistant to, or fight the hardest against, become the most significant moments and events in my life.  “I will never” … “That’s not me” … “I will always”, are a few of the absolutes that I am trying to say less, or at least pay more attention to, when I do say them.  I’ve seen something happening with these type statements.  It’s my absolutes that always come back around, have me eating my own words and re-thinking everything.

Once parenthood really set in for me, I became one of those Moms that openly admitted I could never be a SAHM.  I can remember commenting that I would gladly donate a third of my pay to daycare.  Don’t judge…I know it sounds awful, but it’s the truth and pertains to how absolute I was about the idea.

Then I had my son. Something very difficult very odd started happening.  As my three month maternity leave began to come to an end, I started to realize how much I did not want to go back to work.  I knew I struggled with this after having my daughter, so I tried to shake it off and focus on the upcoming transition.

The idea of staying home became like a constant theme in my head.  I started to see how the days of the last three months could become my every day.  More of my absolutes – “I will always have my own money”, “I will never depend on another person to take care of me” – started to matter less and less.  I started to feel somewhat at ease with the idea, but still there was this overwhelming doubt because “that’s not me”.

I handed in my resignation the day I returned to work. A month later, I entered a world I never imagined would become my world.

I had no real explanation for this change of heart or new direction I was headed in.  I was, and still am, as surprised as those around me.  However, I felt a pull strong enough not to ignore.  I think for one of the first times in my life I threw out my “map”, trusted my gut and just let life happen.  I had a difficult time recognizing and admitting that something needed to give in my life.  My focus needed to change.  My heart led me to focus on my children.  Little did I know, it would be my children, who put the focus on me.

How many women do you know that said, “I will never drive a minivan”, and are now cruising around in a total Mom-mobile? Have you ever had an “absolute” feeling about something, and then life throws it back in your face…for better or worse?