Don't take life too serious.

Whose got the wheel?

This is really about perspective – questioning my own and curiosity about yours.  I have a re-occurring dream that until now, I thought I somewhat understood the origin.  All of a sudden last night, while trying to close down the 500 tabs opened in my brain, I started thinking about this dream.  All of a sudden, I had a new perspective that kept me up for at least another hour pondering.

The dream is the same every time. I’m in a car and the car is moving.  I am either in the passenger’s seat or the back seat (I’m sure there is something to that as well) and I am alone in the car.  I realize that no one is driving and very soon I’m going to crash.  So I become panicked and try to crawl in to the driver’s seat to take control of the car.  About the time I get to the wheel, I wake up.  I never actually start driving and I never actually crash.

I used to think this was my subconscious telling me to take control in my life.  Maybe I needed to try harder to make something (I’ve never really been sure what) happen.  I am alone in the car to make clear that only I can do this.  The car is out of control because, perhaps, I am not taking control.

Last night it occurred to me that maybe I need to not jump in the driver’s seat and trust that the car  will get where it is going.  And that I will be safe and protected when I get there.  Maybe that is why I never actually take the wheel or crash.

The concept of someone or something, outside of myself, taking the wheel or laying down the road I’m driving on, has always been a hard pill for me to swallow.  That is the very idea I have been playing tug of war with for the past few years.  I pull as hard as I can and then something happens – I wait a few seconds before going on a green and a truck runs the red light, I stop what I am doing to look at wedding cards and find $90 inside one, a song comes on the radio that is way too coincidental, or a friend stops over to give me things she has extra of and doesn’t really need, but I do.

These events or signs always leave me with no choice but to give on the rope a little…but never fully.  It’s not the principles and/or morals of God that I have ever denied or resisted, but more the dissonance or incongruity I feel when trying to put total and undoubting faith in something bigger than myself. It’s in doing that, and not feeling like I am choosing to shed personal responsibility.

This dream has become just another one of the signs, that have kept my pondering spirit on over drive lately.



Momma has lost her mind.

“I Will Never Drive A Minivan”…Said Every Woman In Her 20’s.


It seems like the ideas that I am most resistant to, or fight the hardest against, become the most significant moments and events in my life.  “I will never” … “That’s not me” … “I will always”, are a few of the absolutes that I am trying to say less, or at least pay more attention to, when I do say them.  I’ve seen something happening with these type statements.  It’s my absolutes that always come back around, have me eating my own words and re-thinking everything.

Once parenthood really set in for me, I became one of those Moms that openly admitted I could never be a SAHM.  I can remember commenting that I would gladly donate a third of my pay to daycare.  Don’t judge…I know it sounds awful, but it’s the truth and pertains to how absolute I was about the idea.

Then I had my son. Something very difficult very odd started happening.  As my three month maternity leave began to come to an end, I started to realize how much I did not want to go back to work.  I knew I struggled with this after having my daughter, so I tried to shake it off and focus on the upcoming transition.

The idea of staying home became like a constant theme in my head.  I started to see how the days of the last three months could become my every day.  More of my absolutes – “I will always have my own money”, “I will never depend on another person to take care of me” – started to matter less and less.  I started to feel somewhat at ease with the idea, but still there was this overwhelming doubt because “that’s not me”.

I handed in my resignation the day I returned to work. A month later, I entered a world I never imagined would become my world.

I had no real explanation for this change of heart or new direction I was headed in.  I was, and still am, as surprised as those around me.  However, I felt a pull strong enough not to ignore.  I think for one of the first times in my life I threw out my “map”, trusted my gut and just let life happen.  I had a difficult time recognizing and admitting that something needed to give in my life.  My focus needed to change.  My heart led me to focus on my children.  Little did I know, it would be my children, who put the focus on me.

How many women do you know that said, “I will never drive a minivan”, and are now cruising around in a total Mom-mobile? Have you ever had an “absolute” feeling about something, and then life throws it back in your face…for better or worse?