Feminism and Cookie Dough.

“I have to get dinner started because daddy will be home soon”.

I have said this to the kids before but something about the way I said it this time hung in the air and I can’t seem to shoo it away.  It made me chuckle.  I suddenly had a vision of me in a pristine housewife dress draped with a wrinkle free apron, perfectly shaped hair, standing next to a vacuum cleaner with a slightly over-medicated smile on my face.  What led me to write about this, is the surprising attraction to and immediate revulsion of what just occurred in my head.

I’m no June Clever.  My version of being a wife and Mother more resemble what an offspring of Danny Tanner and Peg Bundy would look like.  Literally speaking anyway.  I love my family and will tackle any issue (cue cheesy 80’s tv background music) that life throws at us but I’m not winning any mother of the year awards either.

I’m a clean up after your self, unless there is blood I don’t want to hear whining, give a spanking when necessary because time out is usually a joke kind of Momma.  And as far as a wife…well I married the man I did for a reason.  There is no hierarchy in my marriage.  My inner angry Lilith Fair groupie wants to jump start a riot every time I’m at a wedding and the words “to obey” are still left in the woman’s part of the vows.

I’m usually back in sweats by the time hubby gets home.  I’ve never worn an apron and the only time I’m smiling while vacuuming is if I’m goosing my son and daughter with the vacuum hose to keep them laughing and out of my way.

However, I did choose to be a SAHM so I do feel somewhat responsible for the day to day chores in the house. Yes, I just dry heaved gagged a little.  I never, ever thought I would be a SAHM and I NEVER thought I would “conform” to the roles a woman is “suppose” to take on but here I am.  This is where life, in all its humorous irony, has led me.  And I’m happy to be here.

I’m lying if I deny that there is something very satisfying and somewhat sexy about having dinner smelling up the house and a somewhat clean house ready when the hubby gets home.  Having him walk in the door, hug the kids who have run up to him, give me a kiss on the cheek and maybe a little squeeze of the ass puts a smile on my face.  I feel very strange admitting that though…like I just sold myself out.  A little piece of my old 20 something self just died a little if I want to be melodramatic about it.

It’s comical really…five yrs of marriage, two kids and a surprising decision to trade my 9 to 5 for raising babies (and a slightly increased wine and coffee addiction), half my days are spent preparing or planning to prepare meals.  This coming from the girl that said something like “Just because I have boobs doesn’t mean I have to cook dinner every night!” shortly after getting married.  Once again, I find myself in a place I swore I would never be.  Consumed with wearing hats I tried so hard in my 20’s to avoid even touching.

Back then, I was so hell bent on NOT conforming that it never occurred to me that I might actually enjoy activities that fit the standard mold like baking.  I can bake the shit out of some cookies now and I enjoy the hell out of it.  It blows my mind that I bake, that I have any desire at all to make home made cleaning products, that I attempted to make homemade Halloween costumes this year, that at least once a week I even think about trying to be in something other than sweats when my husband gets home because I want him to see me without boogers, oatmeal and flour streaked across my clothes and hair.

To say people don’t change is just plain naïve.  Not that people always change for the better but they always change…it’s called growing.  Life has forced me to change and add to my own perspective and thank God for that.  I can own my views and not feel like I have to present my self in any one sort of way in order to be true to them.

I carry feminism and cookie dough in my arsenal now.  Imagine that.

Exposed.

Within the past five years, my life has changed quite drastically.  I’ve gotten married, gave birth to two beautiful babies, bought a house, started a career and put a career on hold to raise those babies.  On paper it sounds like all the “right” steps to happiness and fulfillment.  Well let me tell you…that is crap.  Not to say that I am not proud or happy to be where I am in my life right now because I am.  I know what it means to be grateful and I am.  But the truth is, somewhere along the way, I got lost.

I can tell you for sure what made me happy at 10, 18 and 25 but now I am really just not sure.  I could give the typical and truthful answers like my kids, new shoes, a good hair day but outside of objects and other people…I’m clueless.   I’m 32 years old and don’t fool myself in to thinking that I should have it all figured out yet but dammit making simple choices for myself shouldn’t be so hard! I drive myself crazy really.  My lack of confidence exhausts me.

I admit that I have no idea how I have made it this far.  I seem to have a lot of people fooled in regards to my own ability to function because I’ve heard myself described as “strong” and “independent” . I feel as though I CAN be those two things but as a whole I’m not.  I’m kind of  mess lately.  I crave to be alone but find it to be the most difficult place to be at the same time.  I think I surround myself with insightful music so I can steal the thought provoking lyrics of others and use them as my own. I constantly feel the need for validation of my own thoughts and actions and then get pissed off because I asked for it and didn’t get the answer or response I wanted.  So why ask, right?…I don’t know.

Don’t get me wrong, I am able to recognize that I’ve worked hard to get where I am in life.  The shit storm that was my childhood and the losses I’ve endured haven’t made it easy; however, I have no idea how I’ve made it this far.  I say that laughing because it truly baffles me.  I can and have professionally managed other’s lives so that they are more successful at literally living but can’t even make simple decisions when it comes to my own wants, needs and desires.

As an official 30 something, I have plenty of labels I can describe myself with i.e. Mother, wife, sister, friend….but no words that I feel comfortable using to introduce my true self.  I don’t think I am alone here; hence, the blog I am now sharing.  I think a lot of moms, wives, women can relate to feeling lost and frustrated.  I’ve been to therapy. I’ve taken anti-depressants.  I’ve read self help and discovery books.  I’ve had spa days.  I’ve tried fake it till you make it.  I’ve tried being the working mother.  I’ve tried being the stay at home mom.  I’ve tried so many things to put myself in a better place mentally and even though I’ve learned from each venture, none have calmed my nerves.

The one thing that I do know is that I always feel better when I’m putting thoughts on paper.  It’s like a validation of myself when I see it in print.  I don’t know why but I have a nagging in my head to constantly record my thoughts.  I’m a list girl.  They are everywhere in my house.  That also extends to journaling.  I’ve kept some form of a journal since I was about 7 years old.  So recently when I asked myself (for the gazillionth time) “what is it that I enjoy doing”…I finally realized I had been doing it all along.  I just never realized it.

It’s incredibly frustrating that what I have been doing since I was a very young girl has eluded me as a way to move forward with my own thoughts, past the bullshit baggage I seem to always carry with me and through the current anxiety about life I’m having.

So…here I am.  Maybe yelling from the world wide roof top will make me vulnerable enough to let go and enjoy the ride.  I have so much to say and quite honestly can’t wait to really get started.  Hopefully along the way I strike a nerve for a few others.  So my plan is this…be brutally honest.  About everything…past, present and future.  And hopefully, this purging of self reflections and thoughts about the goings on in my crazy head and crazy life will help soothe my soul and connect to others that are at a similar place in their own lives.