1. A full days worth of not wearing boogers would be just fabulous. Nothing ruins a sweet hug like the dragging of a child’s nose across your shoulder like a dog dragging his ass on the carpet.
2. The silent treatment. If the kids could just pretend to be enlightened little monks all day that would be fan-freakin’-tastic.
3. I promise to still feed you without the usual “I’m huuunngryyyy” every 20 minutes… mmmkay. So if you could encourage your tape worm to hibernate for just this one day, that’d be great.
4. Don’t ask me for anything. Nothing. Not food, the exiled toys on top of the fridge, where the shoes are that sit right in front of you, or if your friend (that you just saw less than 24 hrs ago) can come over. This shall be known as “fend for yourself” day.
5. Eat your own food and don’t drink out of my cup. I don’t want to share today. The food on your plate and the milk in your cup taste exactly like mine. Eat your own!
6. Don’t sass your mother. Please help me at least feel like I have some control over your behavior today. Don’t talk back, no floppy-fish syndrome on the floor when you’re told no and for the love of motherhood, please believe me when I say crying and whining will not change my mind.
7. Remember you have two parents. Please take full advantage of your father’s awesome parenting skills today. Trust that he too can fill a cup with juice, answer your 20 trick questions and watch you perform acrobatic stunts at least 46 times in a row.
8. Don’t fart on me. Don’t burp in my face. Don’t call me in to the bathroom to discuss something “urgent” as you are taking a dump. Don’t poop in your diaper and then play with every single sit/ride/bouncy toy, forcing the toxic poo to exit the diaper from every angle, before you tell me you need to be changed. And if you are old enough to actually use the toilet, FLUSH THE DAMN THING!
9. No fighting. Be warned. If you decide to pick fights with one another, you better work it out or duke it out. Momma will be sipping wine in the sunshine, not refereeing today.
10. Do give me hugs just because you love me. Do remind me that I don’t totally suck at this motherhood gig. But more than anything, do know that even though I sometimes crave distance, my love for you is unconditional. You little people have given me a gift that can’t be held and admired, but carried in my heart–every day.
W.T.F. 