It seems like the ideas that I am most resistant to, or fight the hardest against, become the most significant moments and events in my life. “I will never” … “That’s not me” … “I will always”, are a few of the absolutes that I am trying to say less, or at least pay more attention to, when I do say them. I’ve seen something happening with these type statements. It’s my absolutes that always come back around, have me eating my own words and re-thinking everything.
Once parenthood really set in for me, I became one of those Moms that openly admitted I could never be a SAHM. I can remember commenting that I would gladly donate a third of my pay to daycare. Don’t judge…I know it sounds awful, but it’s the truth and pertains to how absolute I was about the idea.
Then I had my son. Something very difficult very odd started happening. As my three month maternity leave began to come to an end, I started to realize how much I did not want to go back to work. I knew I struggled with this after having my daughter, so I tried to shake it off and focus on the upcoming transition.
The idea of staying home became like a constant theme in my head. I started to see how the days of the last three months could become my every day. More of my absolutes – “I will always have my own money”, “I will never depend on another person to take care of me” – started to matter less and less. I started to feel somewhat at ease with the idea, but still there was this overwhelming doubt because “that’s not me”.
I handed in my resignation the day I returned to work. A month later, I entered a world I never imagined would become my world.
I had no real explanation for this change of heart or new direction I was headed in. I was, and still am, as surprised as those around me. However, I felt a pull strong enough not to ignore. I think for one of the first times in my life I threw out my “map”, trusted my gut and just let life happen. I had a difficult time recognizing and admitting that something needed to give in my life. My focus needed to change. My heart led me to focus on my children. Little did I know, it would be my children, who put the focus on me.
How many women do you know that said, “I will never drive a minivan”, and are now cruising around in a total Mom-mobile? Have you ever had an “absolute” feeling about something, and then life throws it back in your face…for better or worse?
W.T.F. 