1. Quit looking at me like that. I know you want to have sex. I know you know I know you want to have sex. I know you know I am fucking tired. Slaps on the ass and dry humps aren’t going to cut it. Better luck tomorrow.
2. You’re fucking bored, not hungry! I am so sick of feeding you little bastards.
3. No, actually I’m not sick or tired. I just didn’t have a chance to make myself beautiful in between working full time, being Mama/Wife and just not giving a fuck. But thanks for ruining my day douchebag I always seem to run in to.
4. Why is it so hard to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket. The next time you leave your shit right by the basket, expect to lose your shit, right through the new holes in your pockets.
5. No, I don’t want to watch you do another cartwheel. In fact, I’d rather run head fucking first in to that tree right over there.
6. Twist the bread closed. Why be a lazy fuck and just fold that shit over.
7. No, I’m sorry. My kid can’t come over for a play date, I’m afraid the lice that will come home on her head may eat my youngest child.
8. Actually, I’m not enjoying my “time alone” – I’m at the grocery store for fucksake. I hope the person in line ahead of you pays in pennies and coupons, asshole.
9. If you little fuckers don’t let me get at least one cup of coffee in me before you start fighting, I’m going to buy you both boxing gloves and go out for a nice breakfast alone. I’m over it – survival of the fittest kids.
10. Please – just go the fuck to sleep so I can have another a glass of wine, break out the chocolaty goods I’m hiding from you and watch Jon Stewart in peace!
*****************
I have to thank Samara and Fish of Gold for writing their lists. These women had me laughing so hard I had to attempt my own. Since I live in a bubble that is called StayAtHomeMom-ville, I figured I’d tailor my list to the annoying shit I’m subjected to on the daily.
What was the last thing you thought but, for whatever reason, decided against saying out loud?
W.T.F. 
I don’t remember, but I am sure one of y’all’s lists covers it for me.
Oh but there are Sooooo many more! 🙂
Love!!!!! This pretty much covers my week, too.
Week? …this is my life! Lol
These are fantastic. FANTASTIC!
Thanks doll. I felt a bit mean and naughty writing this one, which just made me laugh harder. I never lash out at people but lately….let’s just say this felt good to write. Lol
Lmao. I can’t pick a favorite, but 6 and 8 are up there. Great post, now get out of my head.
The bread, OMG the bread. Its the same thing with cereal boxes and chip bags!! Effing close them, paleeze.
Things I Say In My Head But Will Never Say Out Loud
1: *to annoying “friend”* So you have a crush on a boy who knows you like him but he just uses you as a puppet for his own personal gain? Don’t come crying to me when you get emotionally hurt by him and you won’t stop saying,”Why didn’t I see this coming?!” Because I did. And I warned you?
2: IF I have ONE MORE FUCKING LAB REPORT to fill out next week… I will be emailing this darn Earth Science teacher and begging him to stop giving us so much work.
3: *to annoying “friend* So what if I watch kids’ shows!? YOU still play with dolls!! (She’s in middle school, and I’m in high school. I want to stop hanging out with her, but the Parent Patrol won’t see to that.)
4: *to parent(s)* When I’m done with school on Friday, don’t talk to me about it unless it’s something very important. Now, please buzz off: you’re interrupting my writing.
5: *to annoying “BFF” (who doesn’t know a single thing about me)* You’re learning how to drive? I’ll put the ambulance on speed dial since you can’t even drive in “Mario Kart”.
6: *to annoying “BFF” (who doesn’t know anything about me)* I can’t enter anything in the county fair if you don’t stop texting me with useless ideas on what to sketch!!
7: *to annoying “BFF” (who doesn’t know anything about me) You want to go on the Scrambler three times in a row? Knock yourself out. (Literally, I went on that ride with her three times in a row last year: I was very close to showing an unlucky someone what I had had for lunch*
8: *to annoying “BFF” (who doesn’t know anything about me) You have a crush? And he LIKES you? Oh dear Lord, this isn’t happening! (I have a pathetic love life…)
9: *to anyone who keeps asking about something I already told them that I would get it finished* So, you want the next chapter of “Dysfunctional”? At this point, you have two choices: wait for me to get it done, or write it yourself!!
10: *to anyone in general* I have a few SPECIAL rule about people yanking the headphones off of my head/out of my ears. Number one: You don’t interrupt to begin with. Number two: You don’t interrupt David Bowie. Number three: YOU DON’T INTTERUPT TO BEGIN WITH, ASSHOLE!
(Note: I have used language here that I would not use unless someone really ticks me off. So don’t expect anything like this to come out of me again.)
Bwahahaha.
🙂
Lol. If I were a parent, I would probably say those things out loud, which is why it’s for the best that I’m not a parent. 😉
I am crushed that is what my wife thinks!!
😉
I belly laughed at this one, thanks for the chuckles!
I love making people laugh, so thanks for letting me know that! 🙂 And there MUST be things you think but probably fear for your life, so you keep your mouth shut. You’re still married, right?! Lol
Hahaha, This was so perfect !! You absolutely nailed it Dawn. That lice was I can relate to, When I was a kid my mom always struggled with this problem ! lol
Lice creeps me the frik out. I survived it as a child but good grief I hope my kids don’t ever get it. The sight of those metal combs makes my skin crawl.
OMG! It makes me feel so good to know that I am not alone in this. This morning I almost told my 4 year old to make his own God damn pancakes. But I held back from losing my shit, and just made them. Sigh. Thanks for the laugh! 🙂
Thank you so much for the shout out! I’m glad it inspired you to write your own post. Hilarious!
I like your style. Cutting out the pockets. Hilarious. Here’s another one for you. When the bread is close to gone twist tie it up and put a very small dab of crazy glue on the tie. Then sit back and watch them try to figure it out. LOL. Keep smiling and inspiring
John
Brilliant. I love that idea. I’d probably pee myself laughing!!! So mean I know but they would get the hint … Until next time.
LOL. Knock em dead kid……Loved this post
baahaa yes grabbing my boob and crotch aren’t gong to help you at all, in fact it actually makes me NOT want to have even more!!!
So true! So very true. Thanks for reading 🙂