1. Quit looking at me like that. I know you want to have sex. I know you know I know you want to have sex. I know you know I am fucking tired. Slaps on the ass and dry humps aren’t going to cut it. Better luck tomorrow.
2. You’re fucking bored, not hungry! I am so sick of feeding you little bastards.
3. No, actually I’m not sick or tired. I just didn’t have a chance to make myself beautiful in between working full time, being Mama/Wife and just not giving a fuck. But thanks for ruining my day douchebag I always seem to run in to.
4. Why is it so hard to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket. The next time you leave your shit right by the basket, expect to lose your shit, right through the new holes in your pockets.
5. No, I don’t want to watch you do another cartwheel. In fact, I’d rather run head fucking first in to that tree right over there.
6. Twist the bread closed. Why be a lazy fuck and just fold that shit over.
7. No, I’m sorry. My kid can’t come over for a play date, I’m afraid the lice that will come home on her head may eat my youngest child.
8. Actually, I’m not enjoying my “time alone” – I’m at the grocery store for fucksake. I hope the person in line ahead of you pays in pennies and coupons, asshole.
9. If you little fuckers don’t let me get at least one cup of coffee in me before you start fighting, I’m going to buy you both boxing gloves and go out for a nice breakfast alone. I’m over it – survival of the fittest kids.
10. Please – just go the fuck to sleep so I can have
another a glass of wine, break out the chocolaty goods I’m hiding from you and watch Jon Stewart in peace!
I have to thank Samara and Fish of Gold for writing their lists. These women had me laughing so hard I had to attempt my own. Since I live in a bubble that is called StayAtHomeMom-ville, I figured I’d tailor my list to the annoying shit I’m subjected to on the daily.
What was the last thing you thought but, for whatever reason, decided against saying out loud?